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… I miss wakefulness, an alertness of perception; I am still so heavy with inertia…
The whole Lord’s infinite world of being is there, available, and we are asleep,
drugged in torpor… Oh, the power to exist…!
*25-1-1980, Auroville:
Marcia spends most of my afternoon watch with me, telling me, very candidly, of all
she has been through with G.M… In the evening, I go to him, taking his laundry
which she gave me; as he’d found me late in coming, he’d gone to fetch Krishna
and I find them together, Krishna playing guitar for him… sweetly, my two
brothers! From the very day we each came to You, almost at the same time, we
have known this bond…
… Returning, at night, I decide to go to C.E’s; I have been missing him too much,
the physical given ness of it… He is surprised, but looks happy; he is shy, at first,
then he relaxes; I lay my head on his arm folded around me and, suddenly,
something in me lets go, a whole tension drops; all appearances loose value and
cease to matter, I only know that I feel at home there and free; slowly and gently
we make each other climb the energy of pleasure and safe release…
*26-1-1980, Auroville:
I read Your Agenda, during my afternoon-watch… One passage makes me
extremely happy: when You relate how You declared, after a particular series of
experiences, that You are having NO POWERS whatsoever; and the realisation it
brought about and the breakthrough that occurred and how Your body was freed
from the tension and things were sorted out in everyone around You; a Victory, in
the sense of an illusion crumbling apart, leaving only the naked sincerity of those
few who really know who You are and what is meant in You…
And somehow it fits with Auroville today, the sense of helplessness and yet, within
it, the awareness of a process of realisation that is still so foreign to mental
notions…
*27-1-1980, Auroville:
There is guilt in me for “hanging around”, not doing any “useful” work; especially
when I eat – because the things I eat are not only the fruit of Nature, they have
required much labour from people who have no choice but to work to earn their
living… I wish all these scientists out there would have already come up with a
simple energetic food, computerised to suit each body’s needs, so that everyone
would become free to concentrate in whichever way one feels inclined to and
physical work could assume an altogether different value and meaning, released
from contradictions… How devilish it is that these scientists and governments do
not direct their energies into this kind of research and processes but go on
inventing, devising, perfecting and manufacturing more sophisticated weapons and
instruments of control to hold sway over people and Nature, to dominate, to
cultivate fear…
… On watch-duty I hear G.M’s bike; he gets down near the office, enters shouting
my name “come, come, it’s over”…, his face desperate… I am frozen for an instant;
he bursts in tears; he is at his limit, he cannot cope with more pain… I move to
him; I am calm and I hold him; he is sobbing and sobbing… I close the office,
return the key to Narayana, pack G.M onto his bike and we come home; I bring him
inside and hold him while he weeps and weeps; all is silent… I slowly piece it
together: unable to bear it any longer he had come to the Camp to see Marcia,
found her with Bill S, begged her to give him a few minutes and was coldly refused;