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We prepared the dinner and baked the bread early today, so that we could attend
the PT meeting at “Tapoloka”. I sit in a corner of the room next to G, who is still
heavy with his thoughts of Marcia; the meeting works its way through many topics,
till it comes to the main one: what to do about SSJ… Al.B’s proposal is finally
agreed on; Prem, M.T, Rod and AL.B then sit separately to draft a statement; they
read it to all; it’s alright, but there is hesitation, and it feels a little too much like
the kind of statements that the SAS has been issuing! We all keep quiet. I try to
concentrate; Ken has just made some brutal comments and I have to deal with the
released vibrations… I ask for the right words to drop into my awareness; I don’t
get a ready sentence, but an impulse that is clear and quiet enough for me to get
up, cross the room and join the 4, ask for a pen and paper… I write this:
“To SSJ. The present community of Auroville sees and knows that you have
betrayed the Truth which Auroville is to manifest and therefore that you are to
leave Auroville.” I show it to them. They let go of their papers and adopt it. It is
read aloud. Everyone accepts it.
It became very intense for me afterwards. I felt like I was getting the return
vibration of an event… I became very cold, as if frozen, and aware of a whole play
of forces; I couldn’t mentally make sense of it… I felt the need of someone, of the
presence of someone who would be truly compassionate, of a real and powerful
compassion, a being in whom would be joined the ends of consciousness…
Myrtle came gently to offer a warm cup of tea, gave ma a blanket to wrap around
my shoulders…
… G.M sat with me and told me about Marcia… I said that he must not pull her, but
respect her and let her make her own choice… It is getting late and still SSJ has not
returned from Pondy, and I ought to go back and serve the dinner…! G.M and I are
just about to leave, when we see some of us running and laughing: SSJ is on his
way! And here we are, rather cheerful, far from being the silent assembly we had
planned to be! Just then Krishna joins us, he who never comes to any meeting, and
it is for me like a confirmation that this was meant to happen…
SSJ comes down his blue car, turns to G.M, and asks: “Do you wish to see me?”
G.M nods mutely; P.G answers for him: “Yes, we have a statement we wish to give
you, Fred is bringing it.” Fred walks in with the typed statement, signed by all of us,
in his hand and gives it to SSJ, who reads it, and repeats several times: “I’ll see, I’ll
think over it…” Fred looks straight at SSJ and says: “Don’t think. You must go.”
I didn’t feel there was any hatred in us. I felt there was a Grace there that would
take SSJ back to the real Auroville at this very moment, if he would only let it…!
There was this Grace and this Love and, at the same time, an exigency, a demand
for Truth, like a sword cutting through. None of it was pleasant or gratifying. It felt
real…
We all moved away. And I served dinner in time!
I feel the need tonight to be back in my own atmosphere, to assimilate and to offer.
During the Agenda session, I have a difficult moment with my breathing; I have to
concentrate and call, and it comes as a strong utterance: “I belong to the Mother!”
And that semi-paralysis of the breath begins to recede…
*1-2-1980, Auroville:
I finally managed to pull G.M to work. Mid-morning, Marcia comes up on the
structure to see us, obviously to show G.M that she is not building any wall but
going through some necessary adjustment; she tells us that a few people at the
Camp – Tiz, Yamini, AnneM… - are horrified by what “we have done”, saying that it
is “a vital thing”…