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that was the blow…! I felt I was to hold his naked need, his raw pain, with a deep
calm, the deep secret harmony that could quieten him, embrace him past the pain;
for long, no word was said, I just shared his pain, without any sadness, aware of
the Grace in his life… After a while Yel, who had been silently waiting near the
house, perhaps understanding, brought us two cups of tea and moved away…
*28-1-1980, Auroville:
A few of us, discreetly, managed to do some work this morning – C.E, G.M, Ruud,
Ed, Myrtle and I – while the police were asleep !
… Tonight, Krishna brings me two tapes of music he has composed, for me to listen
to before he erases them: the tremendous energy he gathers into the making of his
own reality! To most, I presume, it would be felt as sexual or mental stuff; but his
inner field is always available to me and I know in it a warmth of energy, a search
for material ecstasy, the realisation of delight in Matter, a wideness and an intensity
where, to most, lies the domain of the “unconscious”… And it IS Energy, after all, it
is always and only Energy, moving, ascending, and deepening, touching, reaching,
flowing, growing, a conscious fire… And behind it there is that… love…?
*29-1-1980, Auroville:
R called us all this morning to harvest the field of varagu near the Kitchen ‘this field
was purchased 9 months ago under Narad’s name with money channelled by SSJ).
It is a little tricky, as the previous owner is trying to claim the crop, but, with the
help of the Guard, we harvest it all.
… During nap, I have yet another dream involving H: we are all holding a meeting
and there have been several kinds of troubles… At the end of it, as I move slowly
from where I sat, I see, among others, H preparing to leave; it surprises me that
no one has objected to his presence; perhaps he has done something that shows
that his position has changed and he is now “with us”, but it doesn’t feel that way…
I keep quiet. Suddenly G.M is there, right behind H, his shoulders bunched up and
his head down like a bull about to charge; the scene shifts right then and H is being
tracked down a nearby field; I am immobilised in the crowd, I want to shout at G.M
to let go, to let go, or to let me take care of it, but he is now too caught in the
vibration of violence, like in a dark mantle… I cannot help… Later, C.E. finds me and
tells me, with an unnerving smile, that H hasn’t been too hurt, and that both G.M
and Chr had to vomit…! But I feel so bad, because I see that the force using H has
won, by drawing violence from G.M, from “us”, making of H a victim, all the more
justified to pursue his ways without having to question himself…
I take this as a lesson and a warning to be alert…
*30-1-1980, Auroville:
G.M spends the entire day with me. He clearly needs it and it is quiet, open and
poised; we do our shopping in Pondy, have his bike serviced; we are both grateful,
driving back in the evening light, for this, Home on earth…
… P.G tells me in the evening that the Coop meeting was good and that, regarding
SSJ, Al.B has made a proposal: that a large number of us go in complete silence to
his house and delegate one of us with a written statement and withdraw in silence;
I am relieved about that – I am more inclined to this type of silent action, as more
offered and more receptive…
*31-1-1980, Auroville: