306 / 1424
306
I cycle down to Pondy and go to the “Yezdi” dealer. I have finally made up my mind
to order a good, brand new motorcycle. I bring flowers to Al.B at Dr Sen’s Nursing
Home, where he is resting from surgery on his knee cap; I hadn’t seen him since
his accident; I am struck again by his linearity: he is of one mood, of one track,
while I keep shifting, within seconds, from one state to another; it makes me
almost ashamed, because my awareness includes what to him is subconscious… In
fact, it is so with many people: they talk on, focussed on their thought-process and
delivery, in a smooth continuous way, while I am often overwhelmed with all the
other “things” that are active in them…! It is often very awkward! But I like the
friendship between us…
*12-4-1980, Auroville:
I go to Krishna in “Certitude” this afternoon. A couple of days ago, to outline the
absurdity of a certain collective egoism (while A had been away no one had
remembered to leave his food basket for him), he had gone and grabbed hold of
the entire supply and locked it in his room and gone out… As I had seen it, he had
packed in that one action as much humour and aspiration for love as he could. But
it now appears that no one there has even suspected it could be so, and every one
has taken it very seriously... This settlement of “Certitude”, with the split between
the SAS residents and the Aurovilians is almost suffocating… Today I find people
posted, waiting for the arrival of the food baskets, looking very self-righteous – no
trace of humour there! It is as if they are all against him… What shocks me most is
the attitude of Patricia, she whom I cherish so much: she has not had the slightest
intuition of Krishna’s meaning and call, and now she and F.Gr go up to him and
threaten him that his supply might be cut as a punishment… This is all a little
sordid… This is, I thing, what a “couple” association often does: it creates an even
stronger egoism, each reinforcing the other and both feeling a little superior, and
more accomplished… I cannot reach Patricia anymore…!
*13-4-1980, Auroville:
Sunday at home, resting – Gauri has been so restless, soiling my sleep every night
of this past week…
… Twice the Tasilhdar and some officials come looking for G.M, to convey the
Governor’s invitation to another “Peace Meeting”… This is too weird…! In the
evening they come again and head for “Dana” with their jeep; I feel very
uncomfortable about it; it is clear that Navajata and Co are trying to get some of us
ensnared into the pretence of a dialogue, so that they can tell people in Delhi that
they are working it out and there is no cause for concern… But this picking of
individuals is sickening… So I make everything ready for our night-watch at
Matrimandir, leave a note in the office for Krishna, and cycle over to “Dana”… Both
Marcia and G.M are very tense; the Tasilhdar has just left; their entire day has
been very tight, G.M hurt his hand, fruit was stolen from their orchard, they felt
invaded by strange vibrations and waves of unease… I feel like watching closely
over G.M these days…
… Krishna joins be a little late; he is exhausted: he had no sleep last night and had
to cycle to Pondy and back, carrying a whole bed! He lies down on a mat near me
and soon he is fast asleep…
I pray that I can be what my friends truly need me to be…