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“Why 15 days only? The deportation Orders have to be stayed permanently!”… So,
that worry seems to be dissipating…
Diane then wants to stay in town for lunch; she wants to eat meat! I try, to keep
her company, and I chew and chew, but it doesn’t work!
There is a discreet and quiet harmony getting established between us, with
moments of deeper recognition; it is simple and easy and I like it that way; only,
sometimes, instead of being concentrated and a little effective, it tends to drift into
talk; she loves to talk…!
… Mère, je veux T’offrir quelque chose qui ne soit pas misérable. Un être entier, non
mutilé, réel. Pour Toi complètement, absolument, sans défaillance, libre du goût de
la mort à jamais. Et que Tu en fasses ce que Tu veux. Douce Mère, voilà ce que je
veux. Que cette vie porte ce fruit, et qu’il soit déposé à Tes pieds…
*14-5-1980, Auroville:
I am upset about the tools situation again. Here we are once more, with only two
bad saws and a few hammers, when a couple of us had taken so much care to
gather all the tools and fix them and order new ones; now again they have
disappeared – everyone just helps themselves and I’d guess most houses are well-
equipped while, about the Matrimandir work, an aristocratic indifference prevails…!
*18-5-1980, Auroville:
Cristo has sent me word that his team will come and do the second cementing of
the roof of C’s house tomorrow. But Murthy has not delivered the cement yet. So
Cristo now suggests that I borrow cement that is kept in stock at “Certitude” for E.B
and Krishna… This morning, G.M sends his cart over there and Nat goes along with
the driver to help load the cement… I should have gone myself, but I was not yet
ready to leave the house… Nat soon returns, tense and very confused: Krishna has
refused to let go of the cement… It does not fully come as a surprise: there has
been a kind of a lapse, or misunderstanding, in these last few days… But I must go
and see him; G.M wants to come with me and we drive over: Krishna refuses to
lend the cement and refuses to address me as well; I withdraw… I ought to feel
hurt, but I rather feel responsible for this; also, I do not believe our relationship is
really at risk, it is just a passing phase… But G.M is quite distressed…
… Noh has just fired Parvati… G.M and I have to see to it when we return here…
… On my way back from “Aspiration” where I went to exchange the Agenda tapes, I
stop by “Sharnga” to return a book to Cl.B; besides Kripa and Kali, V’s daughter
Taranti is also there, and Cl and B.B insist I must stay for dinner… I do not regret
it: I learn from it. They have reached, and are able to maintain, a creative balance
between them; they talk to me very openly and honestly and I can appreciate once
more how Your Grace supports each of us uniquely when one really tries to grow
according to one’s inner nature… Cl and B.B are “doers”, they need to act, to move
forward, to spend and receive energy and turn it into creative steps; they are
generous; I see nothing to deplore or criticise…
And I wonder, of course, what is “my” direction, the process of “my” inner nature,
and… I am not sure! I cannot define it; it is perhaps more solitary, and less
communicable… I see more and more that, to condemn any thing, is a weakness:
the world is infinite…