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It has been terribly long but V has been wonderful.
I learnt a lot.
And somehow a strange lesson was given: that calling for help, by and of itself, is
of no use, there is no answer! One can only find the Divine by… being the Divine!
Or: putting oneself up, or forward as a vehicle and letting the Divine be…
I don’t know how to say… It started to ease up only when I finally told V to stand
up, get hold of the rafters of the keet roof above her, hang on, and push… Then it
went well…!
*11-11-1980, Auroville:
Today the FRO Officer tells me all he knows about the Government’s Ordinance for
a Take-over of Auroville, and of the SAS’s Injunction against it…
… I feel distant, remote, and incompetent to judge anything, even to feel!
… V and C.E’s baby girl is still unquiet, as if still under the tremendous tension of
this very long delivery; C.E has suggested that I take his place near V for a while,
but I don’t think that would be right…
*12-11-1980, Auroville:
It is as if all these years of unease were now gathered in one single knot… I can’t
see ahead; I can’t get any enthusiasm. Even this “freedom of Auroville” leaves me
nauseous…!
… Today Sujata came to meet us all, on behalf of Satprem, regarding the
Government’s take-over of Auroville; it happens in “Tapoloka”: I cannot identify
with the words, or with the surface of these events; but it is something to be in the
presence of someone of such quality.
*13-11-1980, Auroville:
Auroville is free!
Karthikeyan was officially sent, this afternoon, to tell us.
And to order the SAS to hand over all “properties” to the Central Government of
India.
And today is exactly 7 years since I came back to India!
Auroville must be the bridge You have wanted, Mother!
India must fulfil her mission in the world!
*15-11-1980, Auroville:
I am unable to identify one single direction that would be free of death. I am good
for nothing; I believe in nothing; I am sterile and uncreative, adrift on the surface
of life without the keys to a conscious passage, no longer a man and yet craving
still for a caress to give and to receive…
*16-11-1980, Auroville:
C.E comes to fetch me this evening: V is unwell and Myr is growing anxious over
her; I go with him and stay with them till late, looking after them, massaging V,
helping C.E to set up his daily routine, comforting Myr and sending the baby to
sleep, and somehow my body feels all the happier for it…!