347 / 1424
347
*4-10-1980, Auroville:
Noh has spent the night here with me. Even though there was no physical
“fulfilment” as such, I saw that she felt happy and was at peace.
I get up at dawn, put on Monteverdi’s music and go about my chores.
Pas soon comes, looking for her, trembling; I feel quiet tenderness for him and
speak calmly to him, saying there is no exclusiveness, only friendship seeking for
its expressions… I make coffee and the 3 of us sit together and it becomes tranquil.
… The “Horizon” group comes in the morning to “consult” with me about the
difficulties they now have with P.V; I try to be available without getting influenced
and to respond with a measure of clarity.
Later P.V himself comes to me; I tell him what I have said to them and he seems to
accept it well, with a childlike sweetness that touches me… Whenever I get to feel a
little bit useful, I am filled with respect for You…!
… This evening G.M, Marcia and I walk over to “Sharnga”: it is B.B’s birthday, there
are lobsters and other sea foods; there is wine and beer… and the “friends”! I
cannot fit very well, except individually, with P.G or with B.B himself. After a while I
start to withdraw, trying to send signals to G.M that we should leave, Marcia also
wanting to go; but I leave alone, finally, and walk back to Matrimandir across the
fields, then home at midnight, and I fall fast asleep. At 2 am, G.M wakes me up,
completely sick: he has vomited violently, with acute spasms, and has a splitting
headache; he had a scene with Marcia, one of their dogs disappeared and then he
couldn’t find Marcia either…
So I go out in search of Marcia and Yappa the dog, followed by Nisha the other dog,
and I find Marcia sitting near Matrimandir, quietly trying to recover, hurt by the
selfish brutality G.M sometimes displays towards her…
I get them back to “Dana”, as G.M is unable to drive, and soon we see the little
Yappa, still a puppy really, running towards us in the field... And there we are,
together, as if after some devastating storm, dazed and shaken, but there…
*5-10-1980, Auroville:
J’observe que l’aspiration est plus comme un océan qui pousse de toutes parts pour
se répandre et toucher que comme une flamme qui monte. Ca ne monte pas ; c’est
plus comme un besoin, une prière vivante. Et, quand je ne suis pas assez calme et
offert dans mes sentiments ou mes mouvements extérieurs, alors cela semble se
fragmenter et l’intensité se divise en désirs, en désespoirs aussi…
La Force est là, toujours, mais je la perçois de plus en plus comme la présence
même du réel…
*10-10-1980, Auroville:
I have been wondering for some time, with a rather desperate sense of urgency,
about meeting the woman who could make me whole and help me to manifest what
I carry within. Is it wanted for me? Recently G.M said that I should remember
Fabienne. And thus the question gathered itself with her as a symbol…
Knowing that she must still be here in the Ashram, living with Harit, I have sent her
a message; but she has not answered. I know that for those who had known our
couple, 10 years ago, whether in Auroville or in the Ashram, this remains vivid,
unforgettable. Yet I had seen at the time that You had directed her to find her place