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*3-3-1982, Auroville:
There is a near-constant emotional blackmail coming from Diane, and it is not very
subtle…! Whenever she judges or feels that I am not present enough in our
relationship, or that it doesn’t satisfy me sufficiently, she re-opens to the negative
formations and to the possibility of her “moving back”… It has increased in tenor
and power as she knows I am preparing for the coming of our child, growing more
aware of it as days go by, and more attuned to it…
… I cannot be, just and only, a man… I am not built that way…
When we do not think of it, of our “roles”, I can then feel our togetherness and the
freedom to express it; but it just cannot be exclusive with me… I have never
pretended otherwise, nor let anybody thin otherwise, so how can she, now, blame
me for it?
*5-3-1982, Auroville:
There is a kind of anguish at the waste I have caused!
How much have I cost, all along!
There is a longing to be able to re-live and change the past, to evolve that painful
mess, to offer it…
*7-3-1982, Auroville:
I feel a great need for time
Conscious time
Eyes that see
Soul who knows
Love that flows…
*8-3-1982, Auroville:
We have been in Pondy much of the day.
This evening we learn that Tineke has been savagely beaten by about 15 SAS
watchmen and was taken to Jipmer. And that, on the spur of emotion, many of us
have gone straight to SSJ’s house in “Certitude” and begun to empty it; that Ojha
has intervened and stopped it all; that there has been some further violence
between some of us and some of the “neutrals”; and that a full general meeting has
been called for tomorrow morning…
… There is supposed to be this perfect alignment of 7 or 9 planets – I am not sure
which – in two days time…
*9-3-1982, Auroville:
Despite the ostracism we have been subjected to, we go to the general meeting in
“Certitude”… It is decided that people will go to every house of the “neutrals” and
ask them all to leave… Police is already stationed to “protect” them… We hear that
M.B and Joss have been distributing money in the villages, and even that Navajata
himself – it seems such an unlikely event! – has given a speech there…!
… Sj (now re-named “Surya”) has decided to leave: I find this distressing…
*10-3-1982, Auroville: