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*16-5-1986, Auroville:
Il me faudra peut-être écrire à propos de l’équilibre des énergies. C’est un problème
quotidien, permanent, qui n’est pas personnel. Il est sûrement coloré par mes
propres déformations comme par mes propres aspirations, mais il est humain et
terrestre. Et le fait d’être à Auroville souligne avec acuité cette quasi impossibilité
pratique d’atteindre à un équilibre, là, dans ce domaine, qui ne soit pas
constamment remis en question, si l’on a en soi le besoin de se donner à Ton
Travail de Passage. Il n’y a qu’un moment où cela ne compte plus du tout, où cela
n’existe plus, c’est quand le psychique et le corps sont unis dans un même élan,
une même prière, une même expérience… Tout le reste du temps, on traîne un
malaise, le sens de ne pas être à sa place, ou d’être inadéquat d’un côté comme de
l’autre, et de ne justifier en rien les privilèges reçus…
… This was my last day with Samuel; Ar. came with me this evening to their house
in “Existence”; I brought all the gifts, and I played with Samuel until he was fully
quietened and fell asleep… I don’t see the point for him to go back there, to that
world; but I have never felt entitled, or guided, to interfere. And perhaps things
may yet come together with D.A, his father. But I prayed to You to take care of
him, to make of this journey the best for him!
*17-5-1986, Auroville:
I couldn’t focus my attention on anything external today. I just wanted to cry. And,
this afternoon, when N looked at me and saw clearly what was wrong – that
Samuel had gone -, I did cry…
There is the experience I have never had, never truly had, and without it all the
rest is terribly lacking: it is the experience of the joy to be, the joy of existence…!
Many times I just have to say: “if only existence could be taken away from me, or
me from it…!” It is not that I want death either: I have no “sympathy” towards
that! And if the Lord keeps me alive, for reasons I can’t fathom (it appears so
pointless to me!), then I shall endure: this is clear. But it is all so dull and…
ungracious, when one cannot refer actively to a centre of joy…
I seem to hold together on the mere strength of a need for beauty and harmony; in
life, I know of nothing that can hold me the same way, except, when it is given, a
relationship such as I have had with Samuel…
*18-5-1986, Auroville:
I spent a long time in my sleep with Nature: there were trees and plants and
creepers, in a wonderful garden, and I was made aware of all sorts of surprising
relationships between them – for instance the relationship of a small creeper lodged
in the moss between the huge branches of an old, old tree…
… It keeps coming to me, each time more cruelly underlining the uncertainty, that
perhaps what I miss most as a basis for progress on the path is what will be there if
and when I find the right woman, that this is Life, not life in a vital sense, but Life
with a capital, Life with the joy of being manifest, with the fullness of purpose…
I can apply myself to a number of disciplines and strive to progress in a number of
ways, all of which are valid in their own rights, but the impulse, the foundation and
the very force of the progress do not seem to be sufficient. I miss the poise, the
balance, the space wherein I can truly be at peace with myself and with the world,
with life and existence, because it is all there, virtually perfect, and the dynamics
are in place…