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afternoon… I had some more errands to run, and we ended up having dinner in
town, B, Akash and I…
Every circumstance is an occasion to assess the progress one has to make; it
happens all the time. What I miss, though, is the very life of the experience, that
which changes one’s energies. Women in general seem to have an easier access to
that level of experiencing, when they have conscious and developed inner beings,
and I wish it was spontaneously there with me as well, instead of looking at it from
within or from above… It is in that respect that I sometimes miss a relationship, a
complex interchange that could knead one’s responses anew… But I know very well
that what I truly seek must come directly, it must be a direct breakthrough, and for
that I must become aware of the Universal at the life-level, and learn to open there,
to receive there, and to experience there…
*12-6-1986, Auroville:
J’ai fini aujourd’hui de lire le livre de Kere Hulme ; ce livre m’a bouleversé ; il est si
rare de rencontrer des êtres qui vont jusqu’au bout les yeux ouverts – et plus rares
encore sont ceux qui peuvent témoigner, avec respect : c’est une grande offrande à
l’amour de toute conscience… !
… C’est une impasse qui s’approfondit et s’étend de tous côtés… Il me semble à
présent qu’il n’y a qu’une issue véritable à cette formidable absurdité, et elle se
trouve quelque part à travers, ou au cœur, ou de l’ « autre côté » de la Matière…
Un brin d’espoir me frôle quand j’ai l’impression que, peut-être, par la peinture (ce
type d’activité physique) je pourrais me concentrer dans cette direction, ou cette
écoute… Quant à la vie même, c’est un poids ; et ce n’est vraiment qu’un poids…
… A « Ravena » ces jours-ci je dois lutter contre la tentation de tout laisser, de me
retirer tout à fait de cette scène ; tout me semble un tel artifice, fastidieux et
laborieux… je ne sais pas ; je ne sais pas…
Toi, ici, Tu souffrais trop.
Et, sans Toi, il n’y a pas de sens… !
*13-6-1986, Auroville:
This morning at “Ravena” I talked to Janaka, asking him and D.M to take more
interest in the work, and to provide me with the required precisions in time, as I
have been feeling I was holding on to very little and it had become hard for me to
keep looking after it all, while sensing that D.M was withdrawn… A while later, D.M
called for me; she admitted that, even in herself, it had been as if something was
trying to stop the house, and she knew she must focus and be actively aware
again; she too has been in a deep crisis… We sat together for a long while, clearing
up many details; and she eventually started laughing again…
*15-6-1986, Auroville:
Mother, show me a way that is inclusive, a way of growth and real change: not this
misery! A little spark in that leaden wood…: it is all so vain, so absurdly vain…!
*16-6-1986, Auroville:
I don’t know what’s happening, in what sort of process I am caught. I woke up
today with a sort of realisation that what is amiss with me is that, because of some
obvious vital defects I have been afflicted with, I was made to distrust my entire