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I meet him… And then I am with another child, a very special child who, in
moments of trance-like experience, looses or secretes, through his mouth and
nose, a strange substance – I have already seen this substance in several such
“dreams” – that is jelly-like in colour and consistency, and no one knows what this
substance is, it also comes from the lachrymal glands, and I keep wiping the child
all through his experience…
*18-6-1986, Auroville:
For years I have been holding on to a bare minimum of joy.
I know from experience that one cannot survive, cannot exist without somewhere a
thread of joy. For me it’s always been just, just enough to go on, and again and
again it is like a force of resistance, or of oppression, that goes out to kill it all, and
again and again that sliver of joy surfaces back, it peeps back again, just enough, a
glimmer of Presence, a shimmer, that holds me together… Yet I find, as it goes,
that there is a growing need to unite with joy, probably because I now sense more
tangibly that, in order to transform all that mass of resistance that lies below the
normal awareness, one must have a tremendous endurance: and I find that
endurance must be fed with joy…
… At “Ravena” these days, every time I find enough confidence to move freely, and
contribute even a tiny creative gesture, D.M responds with a negative statement,
and it dies off, and I’m left hanging, between tears and anger and the impulse to
quit. Today again it happened, about trees I was planting – they were not those she
wanted, and there were more misunderstandings… But what it is exactly that she
wants from me, I do not understand…!
… I have started to prepare a new painting, which I saw while riding my cycle and
concentrating, of just Your Face, white against white, all in white light… I have no
idea how to do that, but I shall try!
*19-6-1986, Auroville:
Today I found in Your Agenda something which may be the answer to my present
question: You say that, as the consciousness grows and realises more and more
what is truly missing, and the body yearns more and more for Divine Love, to which
Matter as a whole has been closed until now, then it takes enormous courage, a
sort of heroism, You say, to go on, to continue to exist without it, knowing only that
one must be thoroughly prepared in order to become able to receive and hold it…
I understand that. I have no mystic sense of exaltation in my nature toward what
people nowadays call “Divine Love” but, deep down, I believe that I know a little
what it truly is, and that is perhaps what I put in the word “Joy” when I use it
within myself and before You…
Somewhere I can well accept the necessity for being prepared; it is just that, in the
meantime, one feels so absurdly poor and useless; terribly useless, yet still taking
place and consuming energy, and responsible for whatever one manifests; without
anything really to give…
*20-6-1986, Auroville:
D.M called for me this morning, to see together about more details; then it came on
to the garden aspect, where a series of misunderstandings has occurred; I was
reluctant to talk about it, as I felt that they – D.M and Janaka - actually did not
need me for that part of the work; but then D.M did what always gets me unhinged,