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*30-5-1986, Auroville:
Last night, in one of my “activities”, I was driving a sort of spaceship over the land
of another living planet, abandoned or uninhabited; there were problems of survival
there, and with a few others we must first begin to cut down some trees that have
gone crazy and lost their balance; water was there too, but a different kind of
water…
… Tonight over dinner at the Kitchen, Ar. tells me something which she has known
for some time, and that is that Diane is now living with Sylvain, and these news
made me rather happier; he is one of the very few French men, on that side of
Auroville, who has retained some humanity, and I always have felt a good,
spontaneous contact with him; I like him, without knowing much of him, and I have
the impression that he cannot do any harm to my little one and that he will know
only tenderness towards her, and she too must like him. For Diane also, I feel it is
rather a sign of progress that she would appreciate and trust a man like him…
*3-6-1986, Auroville:
I asked Myrtle when she’d like to go for dinner, as I had promised I would take her
out before she leaves for the US; but she replied in a negative and almost
defensive manner, and it was puzzling… People, women mostly, are ready for
anything when they feel there can be some passion, some commitment at the
affective and emotional level, but they very seldom go for friendship alone, unless
they have a role in it, such as confidant, or adviser, or motherly refuge… With B it
has been similar; she wanted an intensity, even if it had to be only “spiritual”… But
when one looks at it, it actually comes down to a sort of bargain…
In this fashion, one after another every relationship seems to fall away, and none
reveals itself that would be superior, or more real, or truly valid…
Less and less do I experience what is called “sentiment”; there are different sorts of
unease, different degrees of lightness or opacity; sometimes, rarely, there is the
sense of being at home with someone; but mort of the time, I am incapable of
contributing anything within those patterns, and impuissant to bring out anything
truer…
*4-6-1986, Auroville:
A long time last night in my sleep involved with the special preparation of
substance, and of light, as if before an arranged battle that is at once a discovery
and a change – objects and their forms and textures and their responses to light…
… I finished reading this historical novel – “the Mogul”: there are moments in it of
accurate perception of the Indian conscious inner being and reality, and some
interesting descriptions of those times; it made clearer to my mind what are the
different lineages that have woven into the Indian psyche, with their different
origins…
… For this painting I am working on at the moment, I really wish I had more
technique, because I am doing it for You – like the one I did about two years ago –
and when there is something like that, something like a movement towards You, it
is in itself fulfilling… If I would go more fully into painting, as I am sometimes
inclined to, I would have to make a choice: to open to waves of inspiration, endless
streams of colours, relationships, patterns and textures, and perhaps work on
several paintings at once, till I develop some kind of specific stamp that would itself
filter and select; or else I would have to take as a discipline only subjects, whether
abstract or figurative, that carry an experience of You… Right now I wouldn’t know