651 / 1424
651
she came on me with some “Sri Aurobindo said” things, and I blew up, loud and
clear…!
We had then an epic scene that lasted for about two hours, and it went like 5
minutes! There was humour in it too; and somehow, I don’t know what really
happened, but we three felt rather ridiculous and we laughed, and I felt closer to
them again; and, strangely, instead of feeling ashamed at my outburst, I felt
lightened, as if a weight had been lifted, a heavy mantle…
*23-6-1986, Auroville:
I attended for a while the special general Meeting that had been called; there was, I
found, a quiet humility in some persons, something that was rather new; the issue
presented was the need to seek together for some format through which, as a
“community”, Auroville could begin again to practice at least some of its purposes…
*25-6-1986, Auroville:
Today my whole metabolism was off-balanced, I don’t know why; I had lots of
vertigo, and several times I had to struggle so as not to black-out; my heart aches,
and there is this soft tingling in the left arm, etc.
… This morning I prepared a large envelopes with two nice children books in it,
which I want to send to Auragni for her birthday, without a word, so that Diane can
feel free to say whatever she wants when offering them to her… Then, on my way
to “Ravena”, I also dropped in the Messenger box the note that I have decided to
write to Sylvain, and I felt as if pushing through some subtle barrier: that’s when, I
think, my heart-beats started to go off, I got tension from that. Yet, within myself I
could not trace any negative indication that I should not do that; but it has
obviously put me up against a rather massive resistance: I expect nothing from it,
though, I leave it all to You…
… D.M called me to see some more details, and it was sweet and rather happy; but
Janaka is now extremely tired; he is not doing well at all and this has become
worrying. He is getting very thin and strained, and his ankles have swollen up, and
his arms sometimes go numb…
*26-6-1986, Auroville:
My sending of this invitation to Sylvain (my note was mainly to invite him for a
quiet talk) has made a sort of breach into what was both a barrier and a protection,
and tensions I had moved away from are now back around me… This enables me to
appreciate the fact that, most of the time, that is, when I do not feel impelled to
walk out and expose myself (a foolish thing probably), I am left very quiet by
people; in this, I believe, and whatever their own reasons, they respond to a higher
“Reason”…
Perhaps then, this is all a “closed episode”? I don’t understand anything!
The only things that make sense to me, that speak to me directly, are Your
experiences in Your Agenda… Nothing else seems to ever fall in place, to ever be
right, to ever make sense… All the rest is a groping and a wandering into the unlit
areas of physical life and consciousness, where nothing is evident but for the
flowers and the birds chirruping and hopping away…