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vital being, to the extent that I have become more and more divorced from it : and
now I just cannot cope any more… I need a healthy, balanced and trustworthy vital
so that I can relate, to circumstances, and to things as well as to people…
Today also I had one of these open glimpses into the state of life and consciousness
(of un-consciousness, I should say) that more and more dominates this country and
its peoples: ugliness absolute and tamasic chaos are spreading day by day, and
people become smaller and smaller; and it weighs terribly. One usually tried and
avoid seeing it ; it is already enough of a task to balance out in oneself this inertia
that prevails all around… These glimpses are almost terrifying…
I have not gone abroad for the past 13 years or so; so I do not actually know. But I
don’t believe it is everywhere as bad: this complete, utter carelessness and
disregard…! And sometimes I am just tired of being only a “vella kara”, a “white
skin”, a “foreigner”…
I have no idea how one can be “happy” in this world! The more it goes, the more
imperative it becomes to reach the One Supreme Joy – as all the rest seems to rot
on itself faster and faster…
… Jagannathan and I went to Villianur, to a frightful area - dirt and smoke and
chaotic, noisy ugliness everywhere, the living nightmare of this human world that
does not even have the monstrous majesty of a western metropolis, a plain tide of
cement and bricks, dirt and iron and offensive flesh like a huge vomit to feed sub-
humanity… We had to go and check on the manufacture of the bricks I had ordered
for the completion of “Ravena”…
… I received another letter form Pnina: she is feeling quite intensely lost; the
situation in Israel is another facet of this earthly hell… Is there anywhere a
message of joy?
Is there any way for this world to be drawn back into some sense and some
harmony, without a major cataclysm?
The impasse seems to only grow more complete…
I have seen several times recently what material unity actually implies, in one’s
body. And again today I had a small, trivial example of it, when I saw, at work, one
of the helpers who’d had a severe migraine for the past couple of days, and he
looked quite strained, and I had a movement of sympathy: immediately I felt his
headache as mine! I had to shut it off, but it is striking: the immediacy of it!
So, which way to go?
You seem to have “surrendered” and “left”…!?
Who am I, who are we, who is any of us, to think one can try and follow in Your
steps?
And yet, there is nothing else that makes sense!
*17-6-1986, Auroville:
Stray examples of what I seem to be doing at night: I am with the large golden
king cobra that lives here near the house, trying to protect him when a large crowd
comes in, intent on doing some major work; I must protect him even against N,
whose instinct is to try and kill him, and even from people of Auroville, who have
fear but do not want to show it… And then I am involved with the story of a woman
who becomes the favourite of a very great man after a hard life alone on her own…
And then I meet a strange child, a prodigy, the son of Hilde, who tells me he was
Hilde’s first son who died before she met Tency, and this child is a very moving
person, very sensitive, who has some difficulties, according to human standards, to
coordinate, but who responds beautifully when one is open and aware – even his
size increases as one communicates with him; John H is out walking with him when