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It seems to me this has nothing to do with desire, or vital dissatisfaction; it is more
basic and wider at the same time.
On the one hand, I trust that this will be given its right answer, through You; on the
other hand, because of my past and of the strange contradictions that have
surrounded me for so long, I doubt that anything will ever come in place in this life,
without You directly putting it right. And that doubt is frightful, in the sense that it
throws the shadow of a perpetual pointlessness on the way…
… D.M sent me some fruits; I was to go to her this evening, but she is not feeling
well. About two days ago, she and Janaka asked me to find a male cat, russet
coloured or tiger striped, so that they would have help against the rats in their
house; and tonight, as I walked back from a quiet stroll over to the amphitheatre, I
heard the desperate meowing of a kitten coming from the woods near here; I
stopped and called softly, till it came to me; and I saw, in the moonlight, that it was
the right colour; I took it with me and fed it and found that it was indeed a male, of
a lovely fauve and grey colouring, and grey-green eyes; and it is now getting
accustomed to this new situation, exploring the terrace and making lots of useless
sounds… I just hope it will let me sleep:
*19-5-1986, Auroville:
I go through the day with no clear sense of direction, no impulse one way or
another, no sense of whatever I may or may not be doing, except for those
moments when comes the need to concentrate, to gather whatever energies I am
aware of into an active offering of concentration, the only need that is meaningful…
All the questions about having some organic function within a larger whole, are
coming again and again, but everything now, everything can be summed up in one
single Necessity: devenir conscient de la joie d’être au centre de tout, ce point du
Suprême qui seul valide tout le reste, toute la manifestation et tout le labeur…
I am like a parched, hardened soil that thirsts for one thing only: Joy, the Joy of
Being…
Sri Aurobindo, often I turn to You, nowadays, with the need of You, with the need
of the Two of You…
This is all so absurdly tedious…
I don’t like to moan and complain: I don’t want this “I” at all!
Somewhere, not very far, I know also that I am free. And I am aware too of a
certain, partial delight…
*21-5-1986, Auroville:
An odd dream-experience last night: I am looking for Ina at “Brindavan”, and some
strange people steal my cycle, and I go searching for it through different
workshops, storerooms and courtyards, and nearly get into a fight with workmen
who are lying to me, and finally I find the man who has hidden my cycle, and this
man is dying, and he has such a poor, awful karma, and I realise I am there
somehow to help him, to assist his dying, and it is a terrible process which I try to
make less of a hell…
And then, at another moment in the night, I find myself with the statues of Easter
Island, and particularly with a large number of them that are hidden, smaller in
size, and are figurative of the different racial types on earth…