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*31-10-1986, Auroville:
Tamas, tamas, and the sense of being pinned down to a stupid, tiny, cramped,
rigid, hollow and dolorous self; among many other such shadows…
*1-11-1986, Auroville:
I have been trying to wake up today from under this tamasic surrender to old
demons, and to stop accepting the formation of sexual desire in my mind. I know
what to do, so I cannot complain. I just got under it the moment I was released
from the tension… flat, the wrong way…!
This is Deepawali Day, with the sad sound of crackers in the distance muffled by
the immobile cloudy wet sky…
… I am trying to discipline myself to read this book “The Cosmic Code”, which is a
description of the modern physics as they stand today, with their background
evolution; it is tedious and I have given up on mathematical notions, but I begin to
gather the trend of it and to feel more concerned as it joins and meets with some
impressions and inner perceptions or experiences…
… Ar. brought me a letter she’d found at the Kitchen for me. It is from Ina, a sort of
“love-declaration”, if I am not mistaken, and I really don’t know what to think of
it…! I don’t suppose I should let myself get involved again with another woman,
however much I may respect or feel friendly towards her, unless it is unmistakably
clear and evident that she is “the one”! I’m wary because I can see that I’d be quite
willing, at this point, to let go physically, for whatever it’s worth… And if that would
imply collaborating to another drama, it’s definitely not a good idea!
*2-11-1986, Auroville:
A quiet Sunday here, reading this book on quantum physics; it becomes more
familiar and tangible, but I wish the man would be right here, with his knowledge,
so I could ask directly the questions that have risen while reading and for which he
has provided no answers…
This, together with the experience of death – the fact of its persistence – has taken
me back, as if after a full circle but a little more conscious, to a state I have known
many times in the past, a state which is somehow like an anchor, a point of silent
questioning, of a need removed from all needs… I used to slip from that state into a
trend of desperation but, this time, experiences have come together, and I have
found a breath, an ultimate, in the presence of the One, the Supreme…
There is no certainty in it – in the sense that one would know where one goes.
The only certainty is – and this is total security – that, whatever is next, wherever
from the used rounds of the Manifest or the senseless strivings towards the Non-
Manifest, He will move, the secret is buried within Him alone, exclusively. The
secret is nowhere to be found, in no realisation past, present or future that can
ever be attained. The secret IS secret; it is up to Him only.
*3-11-1986, Auroville:
I am hanging in some void… When I listen to or read Your Agenda, or when I
meditate on a particular question or aspect of the reality, it is alright; but I cannot
decently do only that…! It is at the energy level, in life itself, that I cannot find my
way. It is in relation to life, to people, that I am lost. And nothing comes to give a
clue, to make a sign that I could follow…