686 / 1424
686
*15-11-1986, Auroville:
It feels like I am a living mistake… I have considered going away, not just from
here but from the whole thing… There is a practical impossibility with the way I am
built… which is not being put together, whether from my own efforts or by You: it
remains the same, on and on…
I read in the Auroville News that people want to turn “Ravena” into a sort of
Nursing Home… I might as well hand over the whole thing to Larry and quit… And
then there’s nothing here for me, nothing I can participate in; I shall be stuck in
that unreal isolation, trying to go on painting – for which I have no real talent -,
groping on for no result, endlessly forming a block in the atmosphere of Auroville…
… I feel like a monster: not in the sense of being “bad”, but of being some
anomalous freak, helplessly itself, and condemned by its very fixity to go down the
drain into a side pocket of reality where such “things” are kept in the universal
harmony with a label reading “couldn’t evolve”…! An interesting fact of history,
probably rich with clues and indications… for others!
There would be, there is, though, one prayer, one request that I wish to address to
You: it is that, whatever may be my actual condition, it is not allowed to cause
others to suffer any more… Because it isn’t fair; and it makes that much more
impossible, unviable, when I know that others are adversely affected; it makes me
want to withdraw from life – and, if I believe You as I must, this is the worst idea to
entertain…
*16-11-1986, Auroville:
I seem to be loosing the security that I’ll ever be pulled out of these vicious circles I
was thrown into at the beginning of this present existence… What is the point of
knowing all I know, of being Yours in my consciousness, of feeding on Your
sustenance hour after hour for all these years, what is the point of having all these
books, of bathing into the stream of Your Agenda again and again, what is the point
of it all when I am unable to live or to experience a single harmonious and profound
relationship in the human world, where all the issues and questions are gathered?
… Often these days I wonder what would be my conscious orientation if I were to
leave the body now; where would I head to? The impression came that I somehow
wouldn’t consider myself pure enough to go to You, and I would wander away,
supposedly “on my own”, letting worlds and attractions fall away, searching in my
own silence towards some response that would at last make enough sense…
I know that I can let go of everything once I have set myself to it… it is only here,
in the area of yearnings and incompleteness, that I get stuck, helplessly trying to
bring opposites together…
… Su came; it is her birthday today. She wanted to spend a moment with me. It is
plain that she is affected by our encounter; she came to ask for two things: one, a
hug; and the other, that I take her one day to Mahabalipuram to visit the temples
there… I don’t know what to do; it is crazy: here I am hitting against a block when I
try and follow my own yearnings, and at the same time evoking in a woman I have
only met twice such a deep emotional evolution, and making my best friend, Ar.,
churn with frustration and jealousy… It is crazy, indeed…
*17-11-1986, Auroville: