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my unresolved affectivity lets build up, and there is Ina hovering, and there is Ar.
always, keeping watch, and there is too this yet undecided, undefined state with
N…
*10-11-1986, Auroville:
There is some unclarity with Larry, who went to “Ravena” in my absence, to
“check” the work and question the men about me… Jaïmurthy told me about it; he
was feeling so bad…
*11-11-1986, Auroville:
I tried to talk to Larry again today; we spent about two hours in a restaurant in
town; but he does not really understand. And so I am left alone with the task of
trying to manifest what D.M and Janaka had dreamed, without any understanding
on the part of Auroville… This morning too, Larry had brought Yaap and Ulla, whom
he has invited to come and live in the hut at “Ravena”, and it didn’t flow well at all;
Yaap couldn’t even look at me… I know that if they move in, it will become “their”
place…
… I feel rather useless: Larry is so “normal” and so well in his place in the official,
public and social reality of Auroville, every one of his movements is “understood”
and calls sympathy, he cares for all the right things, etc. And what do I have to
stand by? A relationship with D.M and Janaka that no one knows anything about, on
the background of my “difference” and of all the formations about me (“not the
most popular person in Auroville”, as Larry said)…
*12-11-1986, Auroville:
It is striking that just one of these innumerable experiences, for someone who
wouldn’t know where they come from, could become the pivot and anchor for a
spiritual realisation – which could in turn become the seed for a teaching, or even a
religion…
*13-11-1986, Auroville:
Su, John H’s sister, came by herself, just after 5 pm, to have tea with me… Later, I
invited her to stay and have some dinner with me at home; I like her as a person,
and I feel good with the quality of her presence. I feel tense, though, because it
obviously could easily veer into a closer relationship, and I can already see her
attachment and all she would have to go through, and I don’t relish the prospect…!
On the other hand, I can’t very well refuse an opportunity for me to open up a little,
to relate; I can’t just become a wild, unapproachable freak sitting in his territory
behind a barrier of formations… I don’t know what to do…!
*14-11-1986, Auroville:
When I came back from “Ravena”, to paint, I found that Ar. had left me a letter:
the whole problem of our relationship had risen again, through Su’s visit; so I spent
nearly two hours in the afternoon with Ar., and we talked very openly and quietly,
and it was good; I like it when we can communicate this way, when it is open to
progress… Later this evening, she had to admit to her jealousy, and we could laugh
– we can always find our way to laughter, and that is what is so good with her…