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Throughout the day I have been experiencing physically the sweet soft pressure of
Nectar from above – and yet I have been mainly preoccupied with the matter of
sexuality, and what to do in my responses to it
Ar. has asked me to accept that she must experience the sexual dimension of our
relationship, to honour her yearning for that expression. The problem for me there
is that her physical presence does not match, does not elicit the movement in me
that would make it simple…
… When I went back to “Ravena” this afternoon, I found Yaap visiting the place, as
a future owner, with Th and Peter; I felt so uneasy about it that I tried to avoid
meeting them. Then Larry also came, and I told him how I felt, and it moved and
gladdened me when he candidly confessed to a similar feeling… And we now both
hope that something will happen that will change their plan and Yaap himself will
drop the idea…
*23-11-1986, Auroville:
Last night I had a most unusual episode, which I took notes about when I got up (I
haven’t paid so much attention to my dreams lately): it was a intense, strange
story, which I at once watched as an invisible presence and incarnated as each
participant, between a man and a woman who is, most often, his daughter, but
sometimes also his beloved; they are adults, and they have now met after years of
painful and hard separation, and they re-discover one another through the physical
climbing and treading of rocky slopes and precipitous paths, slippery and very
treacherous, with an entire itinerary of risks and daring and many moments of deep
emotion when the man, in his re-found cherishing, draws a protective line on the
ground all around the prone body of his beloved – his daughter then, whom only
one other man will be able to truly relate to…
… Su came today to ask me whether I was still backing my previous offer for her to
stay at C’s house when she must leave the Guest House, the 3
rd
of next month; I
said “yes”. I can’t withdraw this offer only because of Ar.; and, besides, she is John
H’s sister and my sense of hospitality must prevail.
… Over dinner Ar. and I had some comic dialogue over the present conundrum:
what are we to do with these physical desires and yearnings… And I am considering
now letting go of some walls and letting Ar. experience with me what she had
yearned to for so long, but I want her to see it lucidly, as it might also worsen the
pull of attachment; I know very well what it feels like to be denied, though, and I
find that perhaps I must try and give her that release…
*24-11-1986, Auroville:
The sweet, constant pressure of Nectar is there; it has been there all day, with a
sort of cleansing effect, as if from within each state…
… Jagannathan has come back to work today; so the carpentry work can now
resume.
Mother, if You like this place to become whole and harmonious, will You help me to
get the money to finish it? I have enough for several weeks, but it is far from
sufficient to complete the work as we had seen it together…
*25-11-1986, Auroville: