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and immobile, and in its stead there is a kind of quiet gaze, rather sweet, over it
all…
… I had a moment of reacting again, this afternoon, when Ed and Yaap came
around the place, looking at the land, at the garden, at the work we have done in
the canyon, without ever giving even a sign of acknowledgment in my direction,
with that sort of “owner of the place” attitude, the future resident taking in the size
of his domain… But I only want D.M and Janaka to be there, and Auralice, and
that’s all! But for these people, D.M and Janaka are “dead”; so they move in:
simple! But it is wrong!
Yet this afternoon, when Auralice came by with Mukta, I sort of gave up: just the
way Auralice takes it all in her stride, it shows me that, well, this is life, it is open,
and I cannot interfere, nor try and impose a will or a pattern; I can only let it be,
however mediocre or unresponsive it may be…
*2-12-1986, Auroville:
I had an odd dream of G.M’s dog, last night: I find Yappu somewhere near B’s
house, in sheer agony, all swollen up, dying; but when he sees me, something deep
and invincible stirs up in him and, “miraculously”, while Akash watches from a
distance, he gets the strength to move up and stand on his legs and he aims
towards me, landing in my arms and licking my face; while he does that, all sorts of
sickening smells and juices are spreading over me, but I hold him until it is alright
and the entire thing is gone, dissolved and he is safe and alert again, such a very
sweet dog…
… Ar. wanted to spend the night with me again, but I blocked it; even though I am
now quite open, ready and willing to experience sexual intercourse again and again,
practically at any time and for its own sake, regardless of any other considerations,
still, I can’t see what good it is going to achieve for her – not to mention for me!
Because it is not to her as a individual person that I turn, and so she is bound to
get frustrated with me…
… A house was burnt last night at “Fertile” and Carole got her hands and forearms
injured, and she has lost all of her and her kids’ belongings…
*3-12-1986, Auroville:
Su has moved into C’s house this afternoon, and we had a quiet evening together;
there is the same kind of space with her that I find with John H, with the added
grace of her feminity; I don’t know how it will turn out between us, but she is
someone I trust.
… I received today a letter from ChJ with recent pictures of my brothers and sister
and father; I couldn’t recognise my younger brother, O…
*4-12-1986, Auroville:
When I went to “Ravena” this morning I found that both N and P were all upset with
an experience they’d had in the night, of hearing distinctly, loudly, and repeatedly
over an hour, D.M’s voice calling N’s name, jus as she used to whenever she
needed him; and then N had found two large cats sitting near to the graves, and
they moved then towards the main house… And Jaïmurthy later told me of a very
complex and interesting dream he’d had last night with Janaka, in which Janaka,
back from America where D.M had died, was very disturbed by something that had
just been built near the house, like a sort of huge pipe-line… I don’t know: