810 / 1424
810
… I have these days more work than I can practically do; but, to put energy into
the creating of harmony is self-rewarding… If only there was the same awareness in
the “users”, then the entire process would be truly creative and ever progressive…!
*17-10-1988, Auroville:
The psychic being: its total and perfectly pure dedication to Truth…
I have to make a step.
*19-10-1988, Auroville:
The weather has been strangely dry, a sort of active drought, almost destructive: I
have never seen the plants wilt so badly, every leaf curling in and yellowing so
fast…
*20-10-1988, Auroville:
I don’t know what to do about N. He’s been off for a couple of days. Obviously if I
wasn’t attached to him for what I must acknowledge as a selfish motive, I’d have
already forced him to face the choices he must make in his life; and perhaps I must
do that, whatever is our relationship. Yet I suspect that, if I send him away, there’ll
be nothing left to hold him together; I have been unable to “conjure up” his inner
being, however embryonic it may be…
*23-10-1988, Auroville:
This has been a tedious ploughing, in a hard resistant soil… This part of me that
needs a free, open relationship with a man friend is again out front, and it seems to
be an impossibility which blocks the progress of every other part as well – for
instance I could be more open and present with Su… It is the old vicious circle; I
have learnt, I have changed a little, quite a bit of it has dissolved along with ego,
but an obstruction remains…
*24-10-1988, Auroville:
Jaïmurthy just spent two full hours here with me. He is growing and learning…
The heaviness I often feel in my work at “Ravena” comes from the dissembling, and
the petty dishonesty of the workmen here, who aren’t able to appreciate the
opportunity given them.
Sometimes this is very depressing: one cannot build Auroville without some sort of
true and straight response in the people of the land… But the dominance of money
– dark, eroding, divisive and contagious – is terrible…
… Barbara’s house is nearly finished; at least my work there, along with that of the
masons, is nearly over, and I’ll have time again, each day, to study or paint or work
in the garden. But Ar.’s demand to see me every single day weighs like a shadow,
to which I have no answer; whichever way I try or turn, I do not find the
movement to change it, to dissolve or undo what is wrong, unreal about it…
… I have again been experiencing the need to know, to concretely rely on the
aspect of Puissance of the Lord – His masculine aspect, the Ishwara, or Purusha? –,
like a base of Puissance, or a puissant Presence, that knows, and that loves…