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813
we each still have to go through the motions of striving and struggling, that circular
or spiralling advance, that makes us seem to be unaware of what we already have…
*13-11-1988, Auroville:
Gnanivel came this morning, to ask me money for his house. I refused, but was led
to speak up and tell him what he and the other young guys who have recently
joined Auroville are loosing, wasting, or burying, and how it is high time for them to
wake up again; I guess I care for them; and I resent the show that the Auroville
people are putting on, as exactly the wrong example to set before them… And then
Udayan came to visit, with his little daughter…
… Today it is exactly 15 years that I returned here. And I seem to be still so far
from the capacity to serve You, to be truly and wholly Yours – whatever that
means, in truth.
But these days the Pressure is felt all the time, and the silent ecstasy and gratitude
in response…
Douce Mère, Sri Aurobindo, Aum Namo Bhagavaté…
*14-11-1988, Auroville:
The difficulty with Ar., adjusting to her presence, remains as mysterious. I have
gone down the whole list of reasons, by now; so that, not only do I feel the
problem, but I also feel guilty of having it, as if I was striking at her offering hand.
There seems to be a phenomenon akin to magnetism: she cannot conceive of
keeping away from me more than a day; I ought to be aware at least of where, at
which level or in which area it is located, so that I try to undo it, but I am not. And
I can’t identify the corresponding movement. Short of actively denying or barring
our friendship, I do not see a way out of this…
… Krishna came and had dinner with me here; we’ve been sharing a lot of our
perceptions lately, and there is this comfort of being able to trust one another so
basically, and it is all about You, around Your Presence, in You… And it is also like
work, because it makes each of us see more aspects with more clarity, and the
seeing is like an action and a progress, a kind of realisation…
*16-11-1988, Auroville:
I took Su down to the beach this evening, and we walked there for an hour or so,
and it was perfect. The Pressure makes me so grateful: with It, everything makes
sense, in every moment It makes me grow; and it is one with an ease that is surely
a foretaste of the physical and material harmony that will manifest…
*17-11-1988, Auroville:
There were troubling moments today. Early morning Krishna came, unhappy,
saying that Anita, after she’d visited with the “pure ones” in “Fraternity” and Co,
had decided to leave again, implying that Krishna and, by extension, me, are too
bad a company, the formation being that, by his association with me, Krishna is
loosing her… I don’t know…: I just see that she is unbalanced, not yet centred…