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… Driving back up the hill in the evening light I find Vivek, walking down, his bag on
his shoulder, leaving Auroville… And there is that move fusing, which rises from the
Presence within, always ready to manifest when there is an opening…
… Back home, C.E says that Al.B had come to bid his farewell; he and Patricia are
going to Delhi tomorrow, perhaps for two weeks…
*23-6-1979, Auroville:
At home it is a delight, and I am filled with gratitude; but at work, it goes off, there
is a depressive atmosphere catching; P.G keeps talking all morning with H, G, Chr
and I feel as if crushed by a wave of decomposing energy running through my
body, as if nothing held any longer and there was no continuity: as if on the edge of
some liquefaction, of a negative abandon to which the body resists, afraid of where
it would lead…? I can only do one thing, keep very quiet and cling to a sort of
physical faith in equilibrium…
… At noon Piero arrives with the disheartening news that D.S, Ruud and Th have
gone to SSJ and agreed with him to work with the SAS again, rejecting, and
despising “Auromitra”… So, once more, we’re stuck all round… Piero seems to
expect that I will help to “take a decision”, but all this feels too relative, too unreal
and I don’t know what we are meant to do, in truth; I need to be shown, not with
the mind wanting to “solve” but directly, the movement You require, the true
perception…
There is a kind of rot… There is lying…
I want to be awake!
When I return home to C.E, I feel at once relieved, there is a smile again; we talk
quietly, sharing…
… Late this afternoon, P.G came: he has discovered that several newcomers at the
Centre are using drugs and he wants me and R to come with him and talk to these
people… I had felt the atmosphere there had degraded and become very mixed, but
it seems to me it’d be simpler to write Your own statement about it and post it for a
few days where everyone can see it; so we prepare a big card together…
*15-6-1979, Auroville:
C.E and I, on P.G’s insistence, have agreed to attend the “Envelopes” meeting this
afternoon at “Abri”. (Early this morning the Guard had been called at “Sharnga”
where some villagers had been ransacking and laying waste a few fields, but there
was no more need for us to intervene when we reached and, rather than stand idle
watching B.B’s show with his horses, we moved away and P.G started to tell us at
length about the current confusion with the distribution of the monies…)
So, as we sit watching and listening, I can only admire and respect P.G’s sincerity
as he patiently explains his proposal in spite of the leers and jokes: he really made
a friend of me today!
When the practical accounting begins, we leave, as we are not qualified and have
only come this once, as observers. I am aware that a complex, multi-sided and
slow process is required in Auroville for things to become simpler or, rather, for
simpler “solutions” to become applicable…
But, for a moment, I got a painful feeling that something may have occurred,
between the impulse of our present birth for this work, and the actual
manifestation… as if some elements were missing, we were incomplete and the
key-harmony could not pass… A strange feeling, almost a sense of crippled ness…