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… The SAS people come, along with the SSJ’s group. The question had been there,
what we would do when they march in for their “meditation”… I had suggested we
stand and watch it all in silence… And that is what happens.
Like ghosts and sheep they come in a file, sinister, grotesque and pitiful; they walk
around Matrimandir between two rows of police, and us watching them; we have to
contain and offer the frustration, and somehow we keep together…
I feel something was done and, perhaps, a great danger was avoided…
There were moments of such nearness, I could have wept…!
And when it was over, it rained…
*16-8-1980, Auroville:
Today I wrote to Satprem.
I bring my letter over to M.D himself, to pass it on; I meet a few people in
“Aspiration” and tell them about it, what I have tried to express, and they seem
happy…
*17-8-1980, Auroville:
I am suddenly very depressed, after one more evening when, because of the
presence of No hand Pas as the second couple, I couldn’t simply be with G.M, in
that space we normally share. I look at it carefully. It is not jealousy, for I
appreciate them very much; besides, I never feel “robbed” of that space in Marcia’s
presence. Then I look at all these small moments of unease, now and then, with so
and so, the small movements of hesitation, of uncertainty; I still do not well
understand the effects my presence bears upon others…
I feel thrown back, again and again, to the solitude of a force and radiance
compelled, by a will not its own, not “my” own, to remain single, and to grow, or
“be grown”, by Hands that seem to my affective needs rather intolerant and
exacting… And I find myself nowhere, groping in the dark…
*18-8-1980, Auroville:
I go to Madras alone to try and give my answer – rejoinder – to “The Indian
Express”: four hours standing in a crowded bus, starting before dawn; hours of
waiting… The reporters are alright, but the Editor is a most unpleasant man, and I
can’t be sure he’ll publish my letter. But I did what I could, I believe…
And when I drive back from Pondy in the evening, I can cry and sing for gratitude…
to be home!
… And I find a letter from Diane and C.A in Delhi; it has a positive tone; they say
that Kireet is now in a stronger position to act…
*19-8-1980, Auroville:
Last night I had again one of those oddest dreams, so precise in their atmosphere,
as if from a past that lives on. We are on a natural platform, high up, near an old
fort, about 10 or 12 of us. A big weight is to be lifted and a sort of flat entrance is
to be unsealed, prying its flat safety bar loose; we try to do it by using a balance
system, some of us holding and pressing a long wooden beam; I am on the lower
part of the balance, trying to break the thing open when the others go strong; I
think that G.M is with me; strangely I see Th going to help the others and it feels a
little weird; one last thrust and they all go far up in the air with the handle: the