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I wake up weeping, quietly, in a semi-trance, from too vivid a dream: there is a
whole group of us, in a street; I can’t bear the atmosphere and I start behaving
very roughly, brutally, pushing and shoving people aside, till they all get offended
and demand an explanation; and I realise that those I was angry with are those
who do not respect their own beauty, who are not harmonious; it deepens, and I
know then that it was out of love for each of them: I wanted each of them to be
beautiful and whole, I want it so much…
… I take V with me down to Pondy; lately I have seen that she is going to need
more of my support in the coming weeks…
At the FRO today there is some inquisitiveness: it seems that more “Quit Notices”
have now come…
… I have concluded it is alright for me to purchase this new motor-cycle – Pat and
H, whose bike I have been using, are soon to return, and I am going to need one if
I continue with the Visas work… However this is not the kind or “reality” I wish to
contribute to – each one having their “own” bike… -, so I still want to wait for some
sign of confirmation… from You!
*27-8-1980, Auroville:
I am tired and confused, muddied with formations, with starts of acts that fail, with
mental interpretations… And behind this, somewhere is inhuman silence… I don’t
know…
… “The Indian Express” has published a letter from Guru Prasad of the SAS ranting
against us, and even against Kulkarni, referring to “free sex in Auroville” and
quoting You as saying that we are all “living just like cats and dogs…”
… Edzart was arrested this morning and taken to the Villupuram Court: the
Inspector Thomas had lured and trapped him in the Kottakuppam Station regarding
his “Quit Notice”… I feel so bad that I had not guessed and warned him off, and I
question myself: had he been closer to me, to “us”, wouldn’t have I guessed?
P.G keeps pressing for immediate action, but I need time to centre; yet I do go
along with him. Everything feels too rushed and too constricted, as if a band of
jackals was baying at us, there is no space to breathe… I feel that I should resign
from this work, as I do not seem to have what it takes to operate well within that
range of action…
… We decide that Pierre and also Lisa, who have both now got “Quit Notices”, must
stay in Pondy.
… I cannot believe that Auroville’s existence may depend on just one phone-call at
just the right moment, yet perhaps it does too?
… Marcia and I have to attend a meeting on the disbursement of some fund for
Green work; I find it horrible: these people pecking on each other, mouths full of
arguments, just to grab some rupees and plant some trees…
… P.G and I have a talk with K.T, whose view is that all 3 – Pierre, Lisa, Edzart –
ought to surrender and trust the outcome, that no one will be actually deported…
But there is a thin line between confidence and mere passivity…
*28-8-1980, Auroville:
Arjun and PP have obtained from the SP in Cuddalore that he would put a stay on
all arrests for the moment, but he in turn insisted that we must hurry things up in
Delhi. Yus and P.M have been trying all day to get Edzart out on bail.
… “The Indian Express” has now published a letter from Udar, gentle and quite fine,
coming to my rescue; and, alongside, another letter, from some Pondy fellow, quite