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*24-7-1986, Auroville:
It impresses me how little I seem to be able to bear, how quickly suffocated and
oppressed I become whenever, for some reasons, I cannot be physically in my own
atmosphere…
I see so many elements and so many movements, little disharmonies, little lacks or
little excesses, and all sorts of mechanisms; I see so much the stuff that makes the
days and the lives, and how it interacts with the beings’ inner aspirations… I see
how we create our own environment, or rather how our environment is one
accurate, detailed and exact outcome of what we are at the moment…
D.M sent for me urgently at 5 am this morning; Janaka had fainted again, and he
couldn’t stand, couldn’t move, was vomiting bile and feeling cold and giddy, even
when lying down…
I found D.M very depressed and worried, and feeling abandoned to her helpless
physical condition; the atmosphere wasn’t bright!
But in either of them there is that trust and that love for You and that sense of
humour – a need to be worthy of You and to serve You at least a little…
So I spent the entire day there, helping them both physically, working on reviving
Janaka – these two crippled bodies, in a mini-chaos of things and animals to tend
to, with meals to prepare, and the main site to look after as well…
D.M felt very much the urge to communicate to Satprem – the only being she could
turn to, today, for some conscious help; she wrote the text of a telegram and I
later asked Ar. to post it to Luc in New York…
… We found a practical way, finally, to end the day without a drama: I took Auralice
in the evening to Bharat Nivas for her to watch a video, returned here to shave,
bathe and change, and be alone for a moment in the peace You have given me, and
then I picked up Auralice again and we went back to “Ravena” and I put them all to
bed and stayed there for the night…
I have been asking, almost crying: “Why all this, Mother, why all this?” And I do not
know the answer, if there is one; but I feel that You are not anywhere in particular,
but rather that You are within each of us who cares, and perhaps even whether one
cares or not, towards the Supreme… oh! I don’t know what words could begin to
say what is being perceived: it is so simple, and yet so difficult to live…!
*25-7-1986, Auroville:
D.M had a very difficult start today, feeling at first very desperate; but after some
hesitations we figured together that the best would be to get N, who is the gentlest
and also the cleanest of the permanent workmen at “Ravena”, to help out and take
turns with me from tomorrow on; because it has become evident that it will take
time for Janaka to recover, and I cannot possibly look after them both, and the
animals, and the house, and the construction work and be available 24 hours… So it
is now clearer how one can help, without any one of us getting too much of a
charge or burden: I’d had a few terrible moments when I just knew that I would
have to say I couldn’t cope, all alone…
*26-7-1986, Auroville:
Vers 9h30 ce matin, à Yercaud, où B, Ruud et Akash, en compagnie de la sœur de
Ruud et ses enfants, ainsi que du cousin de Ruud et de son amie, étaient allés –
très stupidement – passer quelques jours de « vacances », Ruud a subi une
soudaine attaque cardiaque, qui l’a emporté.