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hit me and wanted to kill me, I recoil from his physical violence and it throws me
off-balance. I left, and calmed down…
Then I spent a long while at B’s with her; Deepti and Arjun were there too, waiting
for me to arrive so they could leave (we all have been keeping B company)…
*30-7-1986, Auroville:
Janaka semble retrouver un petit peu d’énergie, mais je dois encore m’occuper de
lui comme d’un nourrisson.
Pour D.M, c’est une situation qui ne peut pas durer ; c’est très difficile. Je vois aussi
que leur vie va devoir changer, de rythme et d’harmonie, car D.M, à mon sens, ne
pourra plus demander autant de Janaka, ni de la même manière…
I wonder about many things…
… You gave me a sweet surprise: Krishna came, briefly, beautiful, smiling and
tender, to apologise; we hugged each other.
Tonight I went to B, to spend that moment which she expects me to share; she
showed me the “messages” that Anurakta has received, purportedly from You,
concerning Ruud. They are okay.
*31-7-1986, Auroville:
I am sleeping like a log these days. I could sleep many hours longer. I do not feel
in harmony when I cannot assimilate thoroughly, and in silence, such intense
experiencing…
Janaka is having a very tough and troubled time. It is like he is only half in his
body; he has lost all sense of body centring, he does not know where he begins or
ends and he keeps repeating “I am lost, I am lost…”
And sometimes he doesn’t get the words straight either; it is terrible.
He gets painful twitches in the right side of his head, and this afternoon I had to
make him breathe with my hands for a long time and keep him going…
D.M at times is confident that what he is undergoing is part of Your work and
belongs to it and will lead farther on Your way, and at times she is hysterical and
becomes very confused, trying anything that comes to her mind, calling You, calling
Satprem out loud…
I have been trying to actively centre and be open to Your Force, since neither D.M
nor Janaka has any experience of it physically, but, as Janaka says, “nothing
works…”
And then he yells for help, help, and we are holding him, and he doesn’t even know
it.
Birenda came, towards the evening, and D.M asked him to stay overnight.
Sometimes in me comes again this formation that I am bad, that I am connected to
the worse influences, and then… I think that perhaps I shouldn’t be near Janaka,
perhaps I am making a block; perhaps I prevent help to come… or what?
… There are moments when I feel that this situation is an impasse, and what can
D.M do?
Is it a play with death that has entered the atmosphere, or is it a challenge and a
battle waged with Your Help and Will and Force? Or is it a expression of the
thinning out of the barriers, an erosion of the illusion that separates both worlds?
Sometimes when I hear D.M calling You, I do not understand to whom she calls,
nor why she has to call, as if You were far… It sounds hollow to me, like a play…
But if I centre and refer to That directly, then everything is different, and what I
cannot understand then is why D.M and Janaka are so ignorant and unaware…