666 / 1424
666
Because, as things stand, the alternative to reacting would be suppressing, and I
don’t want that; with more time by myself I could at least try to offer it all, instead
of having to react; but the time isn’t given, and so I offer my reactions instead…!
Praying that they can serve a little of Your Purpose!
This evening I said frankly and rather brutally to D.M what I thought. She blew up;
and then she cried a lot; and then it was calm.
But I truly don’t know that I am doing any good there, and often I feel that I should
be removed; that perhaps I am merely arrogant and very ignorant in front of more
truth than I can take… I don’t know: it is hard to know as long as there is ego!
… Today Janaka has vomited twice, and D.M has now decided to let him choose
whatever he wants to absorb from now on – a good step, I think…
*18-8-1986, Auroville:
I feel a little uneasy telling Ar. so freely about the situation at “Ravena”, day by
day; I do so in humorous terms, both so that she feels I am sharing with her, as
she is helping so much anyway, and so that I too may turn the fatigue and the
weight into a lighter process… Still…
… Big J came on to me today, the poor woman; she wanted to find some support
for her projection onto Janaka, or else perhaps she wanted to be relieved of that
pull in herself; and I had almost to lie to her, as I knew that Janaka didn’t want her
at all to focus on him or on “Ravena”, telling her that he was now alright; it is a
half-lie, and I don’t like that, and I resented being put in that spot. But he certainly
has been open to strange people, before…!
… Janaka vomited again today; but he is getting a little more alert, and some things
are cleared. D.M and I had another heavy scene, ending with more laughter, and
Auralice joined in as well… It is a mad house, but a sweet house, everyone in it
living for the love of You…!
… It seems that Narasimhan Rao, JRD Tata, M’Bow and Kireet are coming to
Auroville this Saturday, to “take a decision”, and that Rao intends to meet with the
“Neutrals” before the General Meeting takes place… I don’t believe in this: worse, I
smell a rat!
*19-8-1986, Auroville:
Janaka, I think, is silently working through the blocks; his physical presence is
returning, but he still has much trouble keeping food in and functioning…
*20-8-1986, Auroville:
I know much of this fatigue is entirely due to my own stupidity, because I let myself
drown in the noise of the physical mind; I absorb so much nonsense, agitation,
confusion, so much concern over food and body functions, and material details, that
this physical mind is all agog and in chaos; and I just try to remember how quiet
and open to silence it was…
… There is some effervescence in the general atmosphere of Auroville and a small
whirlwind is causing people to move like puppets, with the coming visit of all these
VIPs who are supposed to determine the destiny of Auroville…!