671 / 1424
671
I don’t know; it is more difficult to try and quietly perceive the right orientation
when there are waves upon waves of anxiety, helplessness, suffering, and so much
advice and so many ideas… What one may quietly perceive doesn’t have the
assertive strength to dominate the rest; it wants a quiet receptivity as well!
Mentally I do not know at all what is to be done…
… Ar. asked me today what I “thought” of a proposal she’s had of going to earn
money in Abu Dhabi as a secretary for several months… It’s like more and more,
and from all sides, all the notions and values You had cleared away for Your Work
with us are surging back, not brutally but very softly, very “normally”, proving
themselves right as they regain lost ground… But one can say nothing for someone
else, one can only remain watchful and cling to You within, and that’s all…
*4-9-1986, Auroville:
D.M and Janaka have received a short answer from Satprem, at last:
“We love you.”
*5-9-1986, Auroville:
I am not doing it right, not with the workmen at “Ravena”, nor with D.M and
Janaka; it went quite wrong with Jaïmurthy today: he’d done a mistake, something
that implied the misuse of his responsibilities, and I learned it, but it was through N
who is also behaving foolishly; there are all these jealousies brewing, these prides,
and all these lies, and I am nowhere near to finding a position that would make
everyone feel right; or perhaps it is impossible, I do not know…
And Janaka had a heavy bout of fever this afternoon, and vomited a huge amount,
and there were white things in his urine, and D.M was hysterical and J.L, who had
replaced me till I returned, was helpless and very sorry.
And I don’t know where to stand. When I leave them in the evening, I feel almost
like a traitor, abandoning them. Yet, what to do?
The more I go and the less difference I see between “madness” in any of its forms
and the body’s diseases: they all arise out of a loss of balance, and that loss of
balance seems to be always caused by either a wrong attitude or an insincerity… In
Janaka’s case it would have been a wrong attitude… But there is also, and perhaps
most importantly, D.M’s condition and her experience of the last ten years, which
is… maddening!
*6-9-1986, Auroville:
D.M was in trouble this evening, in more trouble than usual; she had a strong fever
and was shivering uncontrollably under five blankets when I came in after the pay
and the accounts at 5 pm and it took a while to get her warmed up and relaxed…
… This cannot go on much longer; John H has dropped out, Ed refuses to come
more than twice a week, Bill S had a heavy argument with D.M, and N is getting
overwhelmed and sometimes afraid – not to mention how much more can D.M and
Janaka endure…!
*9-9-1986, Auroville:
There is this impression of being taken up, occupied, invested, invaded and pulled
by or into a reality that makes insufficient sense in terms of awareness – or