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676
*28-9-1986, Auroville:
Last night I couldn’t sleep for several hours; my heart was too tense and my pulse
was awfully fast; it went on and on and it’s still that way… But it makes me work on
myself! I am thinking, these days, of writing a note stating how I want things to be
done if I leave the body; I just don’t relish the prospect of a mess such as Ruud left
behind him; I refuse to impose that on others. I want it neat, clean and un-
dramatic and non-public, with no room for interpretations…
*30-9-1986, Auroville:
This afternoon came one of the worse crisises there ever was since it all started;
D.M couldn’t take it any more: a very high fever rose again in Janaka’s body, and
his valid side was agitated with cramps for hours; his heart was affected too; it
took till 9 pm to fight it down…
… I do believe it is an unquestionable truth that each one creates their own
circumstances, and that it is only once is aware of this that one can truly begin to
offer it, to a Consciousness that can embrace it all and make it evolve into a truer
manifestation… Thus logically I ought to move past sentiments and even the sense
of duty and solidarity, however hard and horribly convincing the false reality of this
present misery may be… But isn’t there more to it? I feel there is also something
very wrong, as if something was actively engaged against Your Work, causing this
mess… These two beings who truly want to be Yours, they can’t be let down…!
*1-10-1986, Auroville:
What is it? There is movement, in the sense that no two days are the same, but
there is no progress, only alterations… The fever came again this evening, but it
was somehow less dramatic, mainly I think because D.M was more together…
Janaka understands, is aware, but does no inner work; he moans, and shouts, and
calls D.M or whoever is near him…
Guy, who comes twice a week to replace me mid-day, does not want to take more
shifts; J.L has withdrawn for the time being; Bill S comes only once a week and
refuses to do more; same with Alan; I only have N and N to rely on, and that
because they are paid for it…
*4-10-1986, Auroville:
There appears to be an evolution in Janaka’s condition: through the Ayurvedic
treatment his body seems to be getting a hold on the process of recovery, and so
D.M is perking up, and the atmosphere is tat much lighter…
*5-10-1986, Auroville:
I didn’t like Janaka’s face today; it had these brown hollows under the eyes and an
ashy colour, and his heart is struggling; and Rao is away till Tuesday; we can only
go on with whatever decoctions and pills he has prescribed; D.M is beyond fatigue…
*7-10-1986, Auroville:
I don’t know… Janaka is having such a miserable, agonising time… day after day,
night after night… the fever keeps coming at him, gnawing nastily, and now besides
the heart, the respiratory tracts are affected; Rao had a small accident and has not