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come back; nothing flows; Alan too had an accident and couldn’t come today… I do
not understand…!
And I also doubt my own contribution in all this; I cannot tune in to the sort of
calling for You that D.M is putting out: my “faith” seems to be of a different nature,
and so I often wonder whether I am not obstructing their atmosphere rather than
helping… Mother, I do not know!
… I have this question, or this confused need to be aware on both “sides” at once, a
need that was always there but has grown more concrete and almost physical in
the past few weeks, through what happened to Ruud and what is now happening to
Janaka…
… For Janaka it would be so absurd to go now, a huge waste, a defeated yielding to
disorder and disharmony; on the other hand there is the situation created by D.M’s
condition that lies in front like an obstacle, something that he does not feel up to
any longer… So for any opening to come at this point it must be for both of them…
*11-10-1986, Auroville:
I was the entire day at “Ravena” because no one came to replace me; in the
evening my heart went off again and a cramp settled around it: it is too much
material disharmony…
*12-10-1986, Auroville:
Am I an obstacle to help coming their way? Because of what they think of me,
perhaps people do not want to come and help? Only Guy seems to care enough…
And D.M told me this evening that P.M had indeed said that I should go; this is
probably why I got these thoughts in the last few days… Perhaps he even believes
that I am responsible for Janaka’s predicament? But D.M tells me that I must stay,
and that it is my fault if people are against me, because of my own harshness and
intolerance…
Change me the way You want, that is all that I ask…! And take me away if I am an
obstacle! Only You must bring help!
*14-10-1986, Auroville:
Janaka’s body has given way, this morning at 9.50 am, at the Ashram Nursing
Home.
I had left him less than an hour before that, when Larry had come to replace me by
his side.
I had not been back home for very long when N came to inform me. People had
already gone to “Ravena” and told D.M. I knew then that I had to go and try to be
with her.
When I reached the hut, there were many people there; she had been seated on
the back porch overlooking the small enclosed garden I had made for them.
I went to her after a moment, and we were left alone.
She said she must go at once, go and be with Janaka; she must not delay, she
must not leave him alone… She asked me to carry her over to the edge of the
canyon, so she could throw herself down its cliff; then she asked me to take her
away somewhere and give her kerosene so she could burn herself… What could I
say to her? She is my sister and I have to be, to try and be what she needs most,
and she cannot see herself alone now, alone and depending on others’ willingness
to care for her…