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the face of this reality? I can’t stand his secure “truth of attitude”, his constant loud
singing of the mantra, his cheerful “positive” goodwill… Even though there is
someone there whom I can love, it all exasperates me; I went out while he was
massaging Janaka’s body, and the pain, unnoticed at first, came back up, as if a
whole life of mine, unaccomplished, unfulfilled and almost killed, had come back
into focus… But it is alright, for I am also grateful for the solitude that has been
mine, and the harmony I have found through it…
… I am happy – “happy” isn’t the word, the feeling is richer and deeper and quieter:
whenever I am back in “Sincerity”, the house is a living welcome, the garden is a
sweet wonder, so alive, all within You…
*23-9-1986, Auroville:
I often wonder during the day whether I must go on “helping” in this way… Is it
really a help? What is truly needed, wanted there?
I tend to say, within, that if no marked progress soon, I shall have to quit, so that
something central to the situation will have to move…
Yet, day after day I go back obeying the call, and with a certain gratitude too
because, still, even if it is misery, it is Your Domain, it is one place where You are
actively, unquestionably needed and wanted…
… Tonight D.M asked me again what I see; I could only say that the only practical
means I know is to centre in the flow of Your Force physically so that all disorders
may be dealt with directly and harmony is re-established, with an acquired
awareness… But, what do I know?
I know, because I have had the repeated experience of it, that Your Force exists,
and that It can act as Harmony, and that It is the vehicle of the true
Consciousness: that much I do know.
… I have nearly finished reading Jane Roberts’s book; at several points she
unknowingly describes, quite strikingly, some of the experiences You have had, and
even suggests a framework for understanding them in their real perspective; it is
very interesting to find that someone, without any other influences than that of
their own direct experiencing, is able to put in their own words so much of the
reality of the true consciousness, and to communicate it at large with such
simplicity and well-founded trust…
*24-9-1986, Auroville:
My heart is all unsettled again; there is a funny, uneasy pressure all around it and,
whenever the physical mind looks at it, the panic rises… I feel it is connected with
the recent events here, with Ruud particularly: the grab of death, like claws,
wherever in our physical consciousness we have remained unoffered…
*25-9-1986, Auroville:
This morning I had a fight with D.M. It would take a book to really describe all the
elements at play there; but I was tired already, and became more tired from the
sound of her constant preaching to Janaka and his constant moaning to her in
response; and then Janaka asked me to take him upstairs – a crazy proposition,
practically; but it induced my saying something which I see as quite obvious, and
that is that they are too mixed up in their relationship and this creates a block and
diverts the needed energy; at this, D.M dramatically and violently reacted against
me, Janaka freaked as well, and I got upset in return, and then Bill S came in…!