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664
*11-8-1986, Auroville:
Last night, at some point, I had a vehicle, rather like a horse-cart, that must be
pulled by a huge and beautiful animal; I don’t know its name: it has a long graceful
neck; it has something of a horse, but also of an elephant and of a giraffe…
… The thing of having several people taking turns near Janaka and D.M does not
work very well, and I end up having either to organise it myself or asking N to fill in
the gaps… Gupi came part of the afternoon, but mostly talked; D.M was looking
very dignified; I don’t know: I can’t stand anymore any “spiritual” attitude; it
makes me want to break things apart, to blow it…
*12-8-1986, Auroville:
I do not understand how to progress in the nights. It’s like there is a strong energy
in my body – it isn’t really “sub” conscious – that translates the information directly
into live formations, circumstances, people and scenes; it cannot be just one
individual: rather, energy is felt as central everywhere, seated in each body,
recreating forms, and almost an objectivity, out of information received… And the
first part of the night is usually just that… While the second part is usually more
complex, a mixture of processes; last night for example there was for some time an
interesting sequence, in a composite place: a small baby boy has come to me, who
looks a little like Satyavan, plump, alert and tender, and a little mischievous, and
together we dance, it is tuned as if for a Rio de Janeiro carnival dance, it beats in
my veins, with a quiet physical joy and rhythm; people are there, sort of tsiganes
or gypsies, who have settled around my house, in their own rights…
… This evening D.M was rather desperate; she does not feel capable to go on much
longer in this situation, and yet she has no choice but to bear with it, or go crazy…
Janaka is like frozen in a strange and unusual silence – but it may just be also what
his body needs to rebuild itself without sequels or damages?
*13-8-1986, Auroville:
This morning I didn’t even try to note down the things of the night; I feel so weary
of these hundreds and hundreds of nights that remain devoid of any progressive
clue or help or substance, and contribute nothing to the way, to its discovery, to
the becoming, or at any rate nothing I am aware of; and yet, I’d rather remember
than not!
… Janaka was more alert this morning, and full of humour; but as the day wore on,
he relapsed into this strange, almost vegetative presence…
… I could spend a while at the concreting at Matrimandir, and with John H, who is
to take a shift with Janaka from today on…
… B had called me for dinner tonight; she and Akash are on a “special
reinforcement” diet, and it bears results; they’ve both put on some weight, and
they sleep better and looked rested and calm. Ruud’s book has just come out: it’s
been well done and has quality to it, and it will certainly be very useful, even, I
believe, in Auroville.
*14-8-1986, Auroville:
Janaka had fever again; D.M had decided to stop giving him the nuts – the
Ayurvedic medicine -; but then he wouldn’t drink enough, until, this evening, I
managed to let him see the choice he had, and to make him drink more so that the
fever could be fought down…