665 / 1424
665
… I find myself confronted with the ugliness of death, and wanting all the more our
bodies to learn how to receive light, conscious light, so that they can become
progressive and responsive to the true becoming – and all the more annoyed and
upset by all the attitudes or posturing, the spiritual attitudes particularly, that do
not collaborate in that direction…
And then, often these days, I “think” of my princess, and I miss a living relationship
with her, and I miss news, any kind of news, of her…
*15-8-1986, Auroville:
I went at dawn to the amphitheatre, for Your Birthday, Sri Aurobindo… I stayed
there only a short while: it was a small, too modest fire; there’d be so much to
burn!
Today I had to fight, in myself, with a mixture of anger, ego-assertion,
helplessness, and shame not to be able to help truly – anger, anger at attitudes
that do not help bring the conscious Being down, down into Matter; anger at that
fever that struck at Janaka yesterday and weakened him again so much; anger,
trying to direct it in some constructive way… I got into nearly forcing Janaka to
drink, to drink…
… Nothing is worth the trouble, as long as there is ego… And there is ego between
the Two of You and “me”: the distance is ego… It’s just that I haven’t grown yet to
the point when You will direct me to my true dynamic place, wherein I shall have
my own direct unquestioned living relationship to the Two of You, on all levels…
Still, I love You: this is love.
*16-8-1986, Auroville:
This continuing contact with D.M and Janaka’s lives and experience is making me
quite impious…! It would turn me into an atheist, if that was possible!
To me there are excesses of “spiritual orientation” that are so unreal, and so close
to superstition, or religion. But with them it is not at all so obvious; it is something
else: it is a sort of self-purring into a status of “we are devoted to the Divine; our
lives are to serve the Divine and to grow into Him…”
I just don’t know how to pinpoint what makes me angry: by reaction, I’d behave
like a street lout! There are mouthfuls of beautiful words at every possible, and
impossible, occasion… I’d have to relate one entire single day in detail to show what
I mean… There is no lack of humour, though, and a rather sweet reservoir of self-
deprecating humour at that; still there is something there that keeps disturbing me,
moving me to react…
I am tired, too – from not having the time to let go, to let it all be assimilated and
integrated in my own awareness, this awareness that You have been making grow,
in “me”… Instead I go on, on a sort of nervous strength, filling all the gaps that call
me… But I cannot complain, I do not complain: I learn through it…!
*17-8-1986, Auroville:
There are small, short-lived bits of experience that come now and then and are part
of a complex development of awareness; I don’t know if I should try and discipline
myself to write them down as they come; it seems to me that what matters is how
much they allow for one’s becoming more real, more conscious and more free of
ego – and on that score I can’t say there is much progress: I keep reacting,
reacting, over and over again…