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All the voices
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the main culprits in this
department. If they came
upon me sitting in the
kitchen I couldn’t help
but see how their eyes
glanced at one another
and kind of melded. They
loved to back one another
up this way. I thought of
them as sheeplike; me as
an individualist. It’s no
wonder I couldn’t relate
to them. And who were
they to say the
poor
word
about me, and with those
looks on their faces – half
fearful, half a nasty laugh?
And
ghost.
Well actually,
that’s a word which
doesn’t displease me. I
use it of myself.
The social
ghost.
But that’s another
matter.
It was plain from their
facial expressions they
imagined they were being
funnywhen they talked this
way; thought they were
being clever. Those shared
looks. Well, the truth was
they weren’t clever. They
were a bore. And I think
that’s a major reason why
my bright-smile wasn’t so
convincing any more. It’s
because I was so bored
when I came across my
housemates. Wherever I
was, be it kitchen, hallway,
or garden path, the smile
drooped inside my head.
And what I wanted was for
it to be dazzling in order to
keep themat bay. But itwas
hard work because
they
were hard work. Try and
keep up a smile of any sort
under such circumstances.
It just won’t stay put. And
the energy you use trying
to force a smile when it
doesn’t want to make
itself felt is agonising. It
can make your lips ache
trying to hold it together.
All those other things I
could have been doing.