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All the voices
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crowd glumly. I was glum
because I liked dancing
and felt it was very much
a part of the real me. But
I didn’t want it tainted;
didn’t want to do it to
their
tune. So, I started dancing
when nobody was about
or when nobody was
looking at least because
they weren’t expecting
me to dance then because
there was no nice music to
dance to.
The secret dancing meant
such a lot to me and I think
it was the start of coming
to feel I could only truly be
myself when no one else
could see me. I was fond
of doing this nice flowy-
windy jiggle of a dance
round the garden at home,
making sure to keep out
of sight behind the tall
hedge. That’s where the
trees started too, so I was
doubly safe. In fact it was
the trees which inspired
me. I saw myself as a leaf
fluttering down. I imagined
it as autumn, although
it wasn’t, it was bright
summer. But I pictured
being free of the tree at
last – this summed up for
me the way the falling leaf
wouldbefeeling.Therewas
one particular Saturday I
remember. Dad had gone
to get his car sorted out
and Mum was busy in the
kitchen cleaning things
or cooking, but very busy
anyway and had told me
not to keep bothering her
when I went in asking for
a coke or some orange
juice because it was hot.
So, in other words, it was
a perfect time for doing
the dancing. And I think
that’s half why I’d kept on
going into the kitchen and
asking for things. I knew
Mum would get tired of it
and would want me to go