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… I have received the prints of photographs I took this last January and, among
them, are two portraits of Krishna, in which his eyes express such a puissant and
irrational hatred that it goes right in, and it shakes me deeply… I hadn’t at all been
aware at the time… I feel a nasty energy entering, and it knocks my breath…
… Diane still refuses to talk; she keeps obstinately separate in her apprehension,
and it just worsens between us, and we go on behaving the way that will most hurt
the other, as if a mechanic had started that was intent on breaking both of us
down…
I sense in Diane such an accumulation of rancour, from way back into her own
past, and like a mad want… And I still do the mistake of addressing her as a friend
or a sister, as a person, and she resents it, always…
But tonight she weeps and comes to me for comfort and I hold her till she sleeps,
at peace…
I am amazed at the mess two people can make in just a few hours time… There
may be other standpoints, but humour is certainly indispensable…!
… I have, between dreams, this “vision”, as if seeing from the position the child is
in: colours and shapes expressing Diane’s condition; there are tall chequered lines
of black and gold, waving up and down densely and, underneath, as if in a curved
niche, all protected and sheltered by its own force field and yet aware of everything
around it, a regular cavity filled with that orange light – the “gheroua” colour, which
is also the colour of Auroville: just this, the light, a silent vibrant space of deep
orange light…
*17-6-1981, Auroville:
Diane is in pains almost all the time now. The child keeps shifting, Myr is
nonplussed…
*19-6-1982, Auroville:
I went shopping and got a small gift for Diane. According to our initial calculation,
Diane should go into labour any day now, but the child’s body has moved back up
and is shifting around and Diane feels much more relaxed now… There is an energy
in this body that feels very independent and very alert, almost as if externally
aware…
*21-6-1981, Auroville:
Diane had some contractions in the early part of last night, but it quietened, and
today, the “appointed” day, is upon us and Diane feels nothing special…!
But sometimes I have a burst of energy that is so tender, it wants to embrace
everyone…
*22-6-1982, Auroville:
Before the mystery of these processes, one feels ridiculously small and crippled,
reduced to such a cramped focus; and there is, too, a kind of sacred awe: it is best
the mind knows not, it is best it is not allowed to pretend and interfere…