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… This evening Jossie, back from the hills, came to tell me of the water-falls, the
deep grass in the clearings of the old forests, swimming at dawn in the misted
lake…
*31-5-1985, Auroville:
This has been horrible.
I am left with such disgust, such a sense of rot, in myself, and in the people here…
They went at my wounds with teeth and claws and tore them open, and I was
trapped in the circle of these fanaticisms…
It actually started in the morning: I had to go to “Toujours Mieux” workshop to pick
up some tools I had ordered for D.M’s work, and to see about having a wheel-
barrow made; Thierry was there, and Jean too; Thierry began by telling me that
they do not like me to come there, therefore he had not gone on with the work I
had ordered; then Jean joined in heavily, attacking me viciously, saying that I had
anyway no right to be in Auroville as You had told me to go away, and the fact that
I had returned just after You had left Your body – this is the first time I hear this lie
directly – clearly showed who I was and whom I served…
I tried at first to respond, telling him he was uttering lies, that he knew I had
returned before You left, and also that You had only told me to go after Pourna had
played her games; but I saw that it was pointless and told him to express his
opinion at the meeting; he replied that I would get nothing out of any meeting,
because there were enough people who KNEW who I was and had the experience of
it, and they would never change their minds about it… I left, and went to work…
I felt that, indeed, I had wasted all these years and only caused trouble and ought
to have stayed away…
And this afternoon, Ar. came with me to the general meeting: people asked me to
present my “case”; then Jean, Al.B, Rakhal, and some others went right ahead :
how could I possibly question Your word!? You had said “No”, so that was it, wasn’t
it!?
I tried to tell calmly the whole story of how it had happened, and what had been
done to me, and how Your instructions had been reverted, and what advice had
been given me… But it only got more confused.
Even someone who I had thought and believed was my true friend, F.Ga, said
something absurd: according to him I had asked for the Grace to let me go! And
therefore, whenever I asked You later to take me back, You refused… Then he
added, for good measure, that he knew that Satprem had termed me “a little
snake”…! Big J even joined forces with them, saying that this was only a just return
of things as I had in the past wanted to throw her out (which isn’t at all true!)…
Al.B was standing right behind me, and I heard him then say, loud and clear, that
he felt and believed that I was “utterly false”, and must leave Auroville… Rakhal
chimed in… And both of them have been my friends…!
A few people – Myrtle, Arjun, a couple of others – tried to bring the whole issue into
some perspective, but they were denied… And that was it.
There was a man there, Jeffrey, who has come to Auroville to invite us to be part of
some international forum working to establish, wherever it is possible upon earth
today, places where the land is held in trust for the whole earth; they have worked
out a legal frame and already succeeded in Canada and in England; he spoke at
length; he said that, out of his experience of what had gone on in this meeting, and
in previous meetings he had also attended – and he said this with much intensity -,
he had found a terrible lack of commitment to human unity, and couldn’t but state
it… People giggled uneasily… It was all so frightfully wrong…