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these offices are breeding rats that make their living, like suckers, on the back of
people…
… I am reading “The Confessions of Nat Turner”…!
… There is such disgust in me, and a rejection of the whole thing…
*6-6-1985, Auroville:
I tend to see only shadows, as if from the time of Your “departure” Auroville itself
was in shadow, and Satprem’s story, all of our stories, and my story, in shadow…
I find all life, and all positions in it, all choices, so absurd and so vain – unless one
is satisfied with the substance as it is…
And yet today, somehow, a tiny trickle of joy was beginning to seep through again…
*10-6-1985, Auroville:
I had the oddest dream with Rajeev Gandhi last night: he had come to visit a house
here, and a huge crowd had gathered to see him arrive; there were demonstrators
too, and the army in full array… and this rather simple man; despite the noise and
all the people watching, I have a good contact with him when he is taken in for his
meal; we speak both in French and in English, and it is quite beautiful, until
suddenly his wife comes in and sits next to him: she is wearing a sort of tiger-skin
coat; everything freezes, Rajeev is completely swallowed by her…
… Whenever I catch one more wrong movement in myself, I feel so ashamed of my
resistance, my stubborn, prideful, stupid, obdurate resistance…
… Johnny has given me Rs 3,000/- more so I can really finish Krishna’s house…
*15-6-1985, Auroville:
Vaya came by this evening; she had several times told Ar. that she wanted to
speak to me of a difficult experience she’d had about me; I was not eager to hear
anything of the sort… But she came now in a different mood, saying she had
thought I ought to try and play the “Gayatri” game (she and Bhaga have “invented”
this game, a little in the line of a “Yi king” instrument, based on Sri Aurobindo’s
Yoga), as she knew from experience how helpful it could be as it allowed one to
understand how each of us creates the situations we live… But later Ar. told me
how deviously Vaya had managed to tell me what she had wanted to say, without
my noticing it… I do not understand people!
*22-6-1985, Auroville:
Tous ces derniers jours j’ai pu me concentrer tranquillement dans le travail pratique
et physique – ici et pour la maison de Krishna, à « Forecomers » pour la maison de
D.M, et pour l’achat des terres, et puis pour m’occuper de Samuel, et de ceci ou
cela… Et ce soir je reçois une lettre de C me racontant l’entrevue qu’elle et R ont
eue avec D.D et Klara, au cours de laquelle ils ont beaucoup parlé de moi, de ma
situation ici, du jeu des forces, de la condition ou de la mentalité que tout cela
révèle, etc. Et je me sens très gêné de cette attention, d’autant plus que, depuis
cette dernière crise, je suis passé dans un état où tout cela n’existe presque plus :
quelque chose a changé en moi, comme si cette dernière épreuve m’avait délesté
d’un poids d’ombre dans la conscience que j’ai des autres…
Il y a un élément de rejet et de révolte en moi, mais je le sens pour le moment
comme un rejet assez sain et ouvert.