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569
… D’un côté il y a ici, l’harmonie d’ici, et l’amitié de quelques êtres.
De l’autre côté il y a, lancinant, le fait que Tu m’avais dit, après ce retournement
que je n’ai toujours pas élucidé, que c’était « la meilleure chose à faire (de
partir) », et que je le verrais, le sentirais et le comprendrais… Que je T’avais obéi et
que j’étais resté en France trois années, sans voir ni sentir ni comprendre en quoi
c’était la meilleure chose ; et que j’étais revenu sur la seule base d’une nouvelle
confiance dans le Seigneur au centre de ma conscience ; que je suis resté ces
douze années sur cette seule base, envers et contre tout bien souvent…
Et maintenant j’ai honte de tout ce gaspillage, et j’ai honte de n’avoir toujours pas
compris…
*15-7-1985, Auroville:
Johnny tells me today that, were I forced to leave, he and D.M would not go on…
This, in its way, is quite binding…!
… I went to talk to P, to ask him whether he really wants to continue with our
common budget and organisation here, or he would rather stop: I have been
sensing quite some ambivalence in him and I wished to clarify it… While talking, it
became obvious that our contact has indeed been warped by all these formations
and judgements, and that it would be simpler to put an end to this material
sharing…As a consequence I will soon become quite isolated, even here…
People have asked P if there are many snakes here; he replied he hadn’t met one
yet… I didn’t tell him I’d just found two in my room!
… Is it a lack of maturity that is common to all these people, a kind of emotional
grossness, or lack of experience? What is it?
Ramesh has also told P that he had seen, physically seen that I was penetrated by
a dark force… But that much I know that it is not true: I may have many problems,
but not that one!
*17-7-1985, Auroville:
Today is the last day of my work for Krishna’s house. I wanted to finish more
details and offer it fully ready, but he has been too impatient and heavy, lately, as
if he did not appreciate anything in it… So the time has come to hand it over to him
and step out… Anyway I am more and more needed at the site for Johnny and D.M.
… Samuel is spending more time with me, and I am not too sure of what I am
doing, as Soaz is wavering between staying on and going back to France, where
D.A has already returned, and it may not be wise to let attachment develop further
between Samuel and me…
… I spent the entire afternoon cramped in an office smaller than a prison cell,
packed and jammed with a dozen of yelling villagers, around a jumble of
contradictory documents and records, just in order to find out the actual status of
that piece of land… We must at least ascertain whether our legal claim is founded or
whether it is, due to the SAS’s prior dealings, unsound… I try to just watch and
learn…
… Today it was so unpleasant with Krishna: he spoilt another opportunity for joy… I
have spent about 6 months building his house, and he now throws me out of it… So
be it!