618 / 1424
618
I see now that ego is the disease of the soul. It is no longer of any use. It must go,
it must melt, abdicate, everywhere and in every part: it is ugly and false and hard;
it twists, it causes confusion and disharmony; it feeds the shadow. It must go.
*5-3-1986, Auroville:
I took Jagannathan with me to “Tapoloka” to see with Myrtle the carpentry work
she needs to have done; Deepti was there, “by chance”; but I felt it was
meaningful, and strengthening; I found with her a support to my sense of the
necessity to somehow try and counter this present manipulation of the direction of
Auroville; she, being directly involved as a member of the “Executive Council” and
having participated in the work in Delhi, could tell me many things she has seen
and witnessed, and it all confirmed a lot of what I had sensed. She read my draft of
a statement and was touched, but she also felt that my name would only bring a
hostile reaction to whatever was said or tried; then both Myrtle and her felt that
perhaps they each could ask a few people whom they knew are feeling uneasy with
the present trend and orientation to also write their views, and these statements
could then be grouped together and made available at “Tapoloka” as an open
contribution and offering. In this way the positions expressed could not be
dismissed as caused by my influence; they would have to be considered…
*6-3-1986, Auroville:
This evening Barbara made some heavy, loaded comments on how she found
Myrtle strung up and uptight, and I felt again the same web being weaved:
everything I do will be interpreted in the same way, according to the same
formation, and now I will be “seen” as possessing and using Myrtle and, if she
collapses, I will be held accountable, with one more victim to my score…
… I had to cope with a revolting scene this afternoon at “Ravena”, with this
contractor for the shuttering materials we had rented out: those attitudes that are
so totally and darkly and inertly in contradiction with the Divine’s Presence in
Matter… And seeing this amidst all the lies and the deceit that I am made to
“discover” among the men I work with, I nearly cried…
… D.M and I had an epic moment this evening; out of some misunderstanding over
measurements for the windows and balustrades upstairs, we clashed like two
flames… And a moment later we were kissing and laughing…!
*7-3-1986, Auroville:
I keep remembering this dream Sujata had, years ago, in which Sri Aurobindo had
told her that she would have to keep the aspiration alive and burning for a
thousand years…
It is as if one could find nowhere any support or any response for the need of That
which You have incarnated; it is as if each one was left with the impossible and
incommunicable responsibility of holding, alive and vibrant within oneself, unknown,
the contact with That…
But perhaps it is only my ego that prevents me from finding the like response in
others, in life itself, I don’t know…
Today I am adrift; external things don’t hold my attention, and I have to force
myself to feel concerned with the pace and rhythm of things…