620 / 1424
620
*11-3-1986, Auroville:
In the night I woke up crying, from a dream of Auragni: I was with G.M in another
place; we had travelled; we came upon a group of the French people, and among
them were M.H and Subir and P.G; somehow they got to trust me a little, and one
of them felt to call Auragni nearer so that I could see her and perhaps meet with
her; but I was frozen, and I saw that she was wearing glasses; I saw that my
princess had been stifled and had withdrawn deep within; I saw the creature of
their group-formation, and I walked out, desperate; I began to crawl on my hands
and knees up a long street to get away from it all, and it was painful and arduous
and I was at my limits; and then I realised that Auragni had come after me, that
she had seen me crawling absurdly… I sat up on a bench and opened my arms out
to her and she rushed in and it all came out: how she had been feeling all these
years, deep within herself, and I get to crying, crying, crying endlessly… She was
now in my arms and we could now begin…!
… I asked, during the day, why, what for was coming to me this flow of formulation
concerning the present Auroville issue – a flow which feels like one of truer
knowing; and it seemed that the answer was for me to write it down and to make it
available, without any fuss. So, this evening, I sat down and wrote for about two
hours: four pages. I shall see tomorrow how it feels and if it is possible to have it
typed…
*12-3-1986, Auroville:
I have been going though states that are living questions, which are themselves
questions, if not contradictions; I can sense some indispensable progress I must
make, but… I am just not making it…!
I received two sweet letters today, one from O.P and one from G.M
Myrtle came early this morning to tell me that she had finally posted the notice,
although she had almost given up, feeling our attempt rather futile in the face of all
the “conversions” that have occurred in the past two days; yet, she decided, we
must still try…!
*13-3-1986, Auroville:
Ar. came, in tears ; she’d had a hard time at Matrimandir in the morning, and she
needed to talk about her affective needs, about “us”; always we return to the same
point: she can’t turn to another person because my presence dominates her
consciousness, and she wants to give herself to me only and, she says, in
comparison, all other relationships seem flat and partial; and I cannot turn to her in
the same way, because to me she is not the full person I need… What to do?
… I don’t have much energy, nor interest, for “Ravena” at the moment: Janaka’s
funds are being held up in the States and there is an imbalance in the atmosphere
as it is not clear on which footing we must go on; the men feel it, and do not relish
the prospect of having to seek another job, and there is an undercurrent of subtle
competition so that I will keep some rather than others; this isn’t easy…
*14-3-1986, Auroville:
This whole present issue in Auroville does not feel good at all… Will You not do
something about it? Will You not show Kireet, or Satprem, how to break through it?
I saw a terrible image this afternoon when I went, late, with Samuel, to join the
General Meeting: the image of a ridiculous and frightful masquerade, with all these