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“Aurovilians” up on a podium, seated on metal utility chairs in a circle, a big
photograph of Your “Salute to the Advent of Truth” at the back, and that sensation
or impression of death, death killing all joy, death on the voices, and no push, no
call for victory… But Samuel was babbling along so loud in the echoing auditorium
that I had to withdraw almost at once and gave up trying to surmount what I
thought was perhaps mere negativity on my part… No! This can’t be it! This is a
bad, bad joke!
And this evening Ar. herself returned beaten, hurt and awed by the solidity of the
obstacle, of the contradiction… Yet, in the morning, she had been filled with hope
when she’d heard P.A, at Myrtle’s, expanding upon the proposal he wanted to make
for the organisation of Auroville as he had intuited it from the very symbol of
Auroville and its physical pattern as You have drawn it… To me it had felt as a
rather insufficient, mentally based enthusiasm; that he was merely carried away by
one of these keys of harmony that Auroville provides, which cannot come to life as
long as we do not begin consciously from the centre, within ourselves… But Ar.
said that at the meeting P.A was fully crushed, along with the rest…
Yet, perhaps, there is still a chance, as there are enough individuals now who do
not feel at ease and who may go on searching and probing and delving, and this
perhaps will be enough to reverse the trend…?
… I received “Le Nouvel Observateur”: it is the same all over the world; treachery
and many new ways of lying are creeping in all the issues, in all contexts…
Burn me, Mother, burn me, burn all that is not real, relentlessly, there is no other
worth in living, today…
*15-3-1986, Auroville:
Last night in one of my dreams, I was with children, and I met a young girl who
had been hit by a disease of the cells when a very small child, and whose body had
not developed properly; she could not speak either, but her presence and her eyes
were intensely centred, and she became very dear to me…
… I am upset with my own responses: for almost everything, in almost every
situation, it is the smallness, the narrowness, the cramped ness of a nature that
lacks wide receptivity and offers only self-conscious and twisted attitudes… Either I
should be tossed and thrown about and shaken up by a variety of extreme
situations, or else it should burn up in flames… But nothing happens!
There is sadness too, before this human mush – this indigence…
I had to lay off eight more workers today, and it is not an easy thing to do; there
are many factors at work, if one looks; and yet they appeared to take it better than
I do!
The uncertainty in life may be a means for progress, but one wishes it would be
replaced by a more harmonious way…!
… Myrtle told me this anecdote at dinner: K.T had come to her to borrow the
statements so as to Xerox them and take them to Delhi, and forgot them at the
Secretariat! And then he phoned there and got Al.B, and asked him to pass them
on to Pala who was then to return them to Myrtle…, who hadn’t yet received
anything!
*16-3-1986, Auroville:
Douce Mère, je crois que j’aurais besoin que Tu me donnes une discipline à suivre,
quelque chose à quoi m’accrocher, pour construire une réponse dans ma substance.