619 / 1424
619
*9-3-1986, Auroville:
I am reading again Savitri’s pursuit of her love into the realms of Death, and her
battle with Death itself, and I find hardly any response in myself to her claims for
eternal, puissant and victorious love… And on the other hand I seem to know the
tricks of Death, but as if from another standpoint… This question of my own
opening to Love has been there for years, and still it is an enigma… And this shows
me crudely, and intensely, the proportion of ego in my inner condition.
But I find that I am aware of and relate to a Love whose nature is almost alien to
any of the images a human being can conjure of it.
I responded to the presence of that Love in You, once You had gone past a certain
threshold, which I cannot define, of total surrender to Something that, at last, could
incarnate unhampered by the very ideals and forms man had always referred to…:
Something so other and yet so totally essential, far beyond all emotion and yet so
central to all that is…
I seem to be waiting, waiting for some call or response from somewhere, some
place or some level – where beings are more evolved, or capable of embodying
more consciousness, and by their presence I could at last pull out of this inertia
that binds me still to these recurrent formations and habits… It’s like, here, I can
see all the strings that make people think and feel the way they do, and there is no
unknown here, there is no discovery, and there is no way…
*10-3-1986, Auroville:
Again and again I find myself, at night, in New-York; Manhattan, the water-front,
and the city seen from the air…
A strong rain came this morning and now the soil is softly drenched and the air is
sweetly warm…
Since yesterday I have this intense, overwhelming physical need to… “make love”…
What to do? I just want a nice girl, a lovely body: not a monster like the women in
Auroville, but a sweet and warm and lovely woman, and to make love with her… I
can’t help it, it just doesn’t move, it doesn’t change, it is there… I am nearly 36
years old and I am still full of that energy and, when on no other level do I
communicate well with anybody, at least there I know I can communicate, and I
miss that, I miss not being able to do so… And I resent the absence of womanhood
here in Auroville…
… Myrtle is going ahead with our “idea” and she has informed AL.B and the
“Executive Council” this morning; so far there are only 4 statements available:
apart from mine, there is hers, there is U’s and there is John H’s… She plans to post
a notice informing that these statements expressing another point of view than the
one officially presented are being offered for consultation… I had thought that
perhaps these statements should better be left unsigned so that people can relate
to the views and positions expressed without any personal bias, but U, it seems,
felt strongly to sign, so we all ended up signing and we have now to fasten our
belts against the return wave…!
… I blew out at Ar. this evening; I felt that she misses the point entirely, as regards
Auroville today, and it suffocates me to have only her company, when it does not
communicate beyond a certain level; it makes me want to yell, sometimes, and
today it burst and there were tears and spite and anger and reproach…