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*21-4-1986, Auroville:
I have made a failure of trying to discipline myself today! And now I am completely
lost; I don’t know which way to turn, what to try…
… As John H put it, at dinner today, to be useful is to do Your Work! He certainly
does!
As for me, I am not optimistic as to where I stand in relation to this truth… Perhaps
I may do Your Work ten minutes a day, when I am collected and centred at
“Ravena”; that is all it requires at present; and that means that for almost 24 hours
I am nowhere; and I realise there is nothing and no one to blame but my own ego!
I also realise, with a growing shame, that Truth IS Joy; necessarily so; and it
follows therefore that I cannot be aware of Truth, since I am rather effectively shut
against Joy!
I am in the condition of one who drags himself on and on, without the least sense
of being rooted in the Flow, of having an origin in Joy; everything under the
immediate surface comes to the same for me: there is a sort of utter indifference,
deep down…
I do not know; no words fit.
I just wish You would give a work to do, whatever it may be. I am unable to get rid
of the ego without You. Only You can do it.
… I have finished reading “Om”, by Talbot Mundy: a nice story of wisdom; it
touches and moves me, but leaves me all the more irresolute; it is as if,
somewhere, I feel as old as the world. And, without You to gaze at, without You to
follow into a density of Presence, I feel like an endless, interminable waiting.
Waiting. Waiting. Just enduring the obligation to live, to exist. And clinging to
shreds of beauty, of harmony, physical harmony, so that it is bearable…
*22-4-1986, Auroville:
I have been looking and looking, and it seems to me that I can formulate two
things.
One, that there is in me, or I truly am, or I exist by and from, a true force of
manifestation; by its very nature, it wants to manifest; but this want, until I am
freed from the ego, creates problems, because first one must discern what must
not be manifested (and that takes time), and then one must become aware of what
truly needs to be manifested now (and that too takes time) and be integrally
surrendered to it… And I can trace that issue all through my life, at all levels.
And then there is the second thing: what is truly my aspiration to, for, or toward?
What is it that triggers it, or fires it, or sustains it, or calls it? For I have no
motivation, and no aspiration really towards anything, except for One thing…: This
whole world, the whole experience of it, the whole becoming of it, the entire range
and gradation of realities it gives access to, ultimately make no sense whatsoever
unless there is an opening, in Matter itself, directly to the Supreme – and if this is,
as I feel and believe, the way You have come to open, Mother…!
And then all the rest becomes quite secondary, and almost irrelevant; whether it
leads to being, to love, to unity, or to something else, matters little…! Because,
from that “point” on, it is the Supreme who is present and conscious, and whether
from this side we can, or not, mark any number of His attributes, makes little
difference, after all…!
But putting those two things together, alas, does not make this present life valid in
itself. For, the passage between this present state and That One seems so
obviously to require an impossibly long process (long in terms of a human life) of…
what… undoing, burning away, melting, dissolving, without death, that, to live the