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present moment, and the next, and the next, and respond and answer constantly
within limits, becomes all the more an impractical, and absurd, necessity…
*25-4-1986, Auroville:
I don’t know at all what to do with life…! This “I ness” is so cumbersome, so boring
too, and so obstructive, vain and pointless; and yet it sticks, and persists…
I think the only moments when I am alright is when I lie down and read Your
Agenda; then also when I am contemplating some physical harmony, and there is
this sort of peculiar ecstasy I am most familiar with…
And then there are all these moments when, for reasons I ignore, the pressure of
the Force is no longer tangible… But, when It is there, or when I am aware of It,
then everything and every moment is part of It, is embraced by It…
*26-4-1986, Auroville:
I now suspect that my ego is largely behind this want to “progress”, to advance, to
“become” this and that, to monkey its way on – while, perhaps, everything is just
how it has to be, and one simply has to wait, one is here to wait, in humility,
keeping one’s commitment actual and thorough, without expecting anything “in
return”…
Yet everything is infinitely clearer and more valid when… I can feel You, feel the
Force pouring, active, burning and melting…
Ego… the ego… hiding even forward, and profiting by the unknown, mimicking,
adapting so well, so “subtly”!
Sometimes when I look at it thus, I think it is better to lead an ordinary life, simply,
until, unheralded one day the Force picks you up, gathers you back in Its fold and
sends you forth into the new world…
The problem is, though, that I am not sure I could lead even an ordinary life at this
point…!
*27-4-1986, Auroville:
The weight of having to carry and assume one’s separate existence is crushing…
Sometimes I fear that I am far out on a very wrong path… And yet, as long as I
experience a growing comprehension of Your Agenda, it cannot be that wrong…!
I don’t know, don’t know, don’t know…
*28-4-1986, Auroville:
An oddest episode last night: a woman I know has given birth to seven twins! And,
although I am not their father, they turn to me, and I begin to look after them too;
this is taking place somewhere like Brittany, near the sea…
… Samuel did not want to stay with me today, he preferred to go to the beach with
the other kids and Soaz; it is also, I feel, that we are both preparing for the
“separation”, in about 3 weeks; otherwise it may be too abrupt…
*30-4-1986, Auroville:
In one of my “dreams” last night I saw a very interesting painting, at the centre of
which is an empty armchair, in a perfect peace, charged with the Presence…